What the government shutdown really means to commoners

As we are now into the first full day of the shutdown, a summary of services still offered is needed. Many government websites are down, and the rightfully worried citizens of the U.S. are flocking to the Internet and searching for the latest news. Here at TNRNB, we thought we should get a piece of that (meaning provide a helpful service, we don’t worry about traffic here (okay, there isn’t any)). In order to enlighten our reader (we believe his name is Tom from Wisconsin), we did all the scouring needed to be done (and made up everything else). So here you are Tom (if that’s who you really are), services you probably don’t need anyway. Continue reading

A behind the scenes look at the government shutdown

As the inspiration for all of Ignorami-kind flex their collective wings, 800,000 people are out of work. A government shutdown became unavoidable as Senate Democrats and House Republicans once again prove that ideology is far more important than doing their job. Fundamentalist politics are the only thing to rule from Washington, D.C. today though, and we here at The Blog have secured the transcripts of a little known conversation between Senate kingpin Harry Reid (D-Nevada) and House thug John Boehner just minutes before they failed our poor, poor, leaderless country. At first it seemed that these two sides could Continue reading

Latest re-occurring crisis: US Government will shut down in eight days if no deal is reached

In a surprise to no one who has had a heartbeat in the last several years, the federal government is again at crossroads over the budget. Again we see the usual threats of a government shut down if there is no money to pay the bills- leading to a sure default on the money we owe to people who hate us. It seems the problem lies between the parties being at opposite ends of the spectrum on nearly everything. House Republicans insist that any budget deal come with the repeal of Obamacare- for the 43rd time. Senate Democrats, on the other hand, wish to cure the American people of the various social ills such as working for a living and eradicating rich people- excepting Continue reading

Ask Dr. Steve- because if he doesn’t know the answer, there isn’t one 9/20/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

It has come to my attention that you are far too obsessed with yourself and that you lack the qualifications necessary to run an advice column such as this. How on Earth do you expect people to fix their problems with the mindless drivel you produce? Good grief, you actually interviewed a pigeon, and you call yourself a doctor? I think it’s time you face reality and admit that you really should stick to making coffee.

Sincerely,

Stop what you are doing  Continue reading

ATNRNB Interview Exclusive- Chris the Carrier Pigeon

Sorry for my gap in reporting, faithful reader(s), but these days it’s tough to find anything in the news that isn’t Syria, a mass shooting, or similar topic not fit for a humorous spin. However, three days without a post is record here and the staff was getting restless. As I glanced around the news/living room, I realized that it was time to pay some attention to one of our unsung heroes. An employee who truly flies in the face of danger. A master of working behind enemy lines, getting in, and back out with minimal disturbance- minus that one load of birdshot. Continue reading

Ask Dr. Steve- answers you never expected 9/13/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

The job market is terrible, I’m starving, my kids hate me and my XBOX just died. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Lost in America

Dear Lost,

The passing of your XBOX is something you’ll never recover from if you don’t act now. Continue reading

My thoughts on today

This is a departure from form for me, as I’m not soliciting laughs from this post. Twelve years ago I worked the night shift in a paper mill and usually didn’t get home until 7:00in the morning. I would usually pass my wife in the hallway as she got out of bed and I went to lay down. I hadn’t been there long when my wife burst through the bedroom door that morning in a panic unlike I’d seen from her, barring when she hurt one of our vehicles. It didn’t take much to realize she’d either really wrecked something good, or she was terrified of something. She stammered something to the amount of “we’re under attack.” I ran into the living room in nothing but a pair of boxers to defend whatever needed defending, Continue reading

Six-clawed mutant lobster caught in Maine- the real story

Lobstermen in Maine are in awe of the now-viral lobster caught last week off the coast of Massachusetts. The oddity is reported to have one monster claw on one side of its body and a joint that sprouted five small appendages on the other. There is no word on its ability to thumb wrestle. The lobster was spared from the boiling kettle of doom and donated to the Maine State Aquarium where it will go on display with other freaks of nature such a bi-colored lobster and a Democrat that prefers to work. Continue reading

Shame! Beast Caught In Specialty Shampoo Aisle.

Steve Kallio:

Recently, a story broke about a fairy tale episode in a Walgreen’s and this reporter was given the opportunity to guest blog the story over on the Grimm Report. it was a proud day for TNRNB and a new perspective has been reached. Enjoy fearless reader(s), we extended our reach.

Originally posted on The Grimm Report:

Shampoo

A Special Report By Grimm Report Chief Hygiene Correspondent, Steve Kallio
stevekallio73.wordpress.com |@steve_kallio

LAFAYETTE, LA– Trouble has been spotted today in the land of opposites attracting. A store clerk at Walgreens was stocking the shampoos, when a very large and hairy man-creature approached asking for a bottle of extra strength specialty shampoo. Then he whispered into the clerk’s ear. As luck would have it, his wife Belle had walked in for a jar of facial cream just as the clerk was passing the bottle over, according to a witness who spoke on condition of anonymity.

“Beast!!! Whatever could you need such a thing for? We’ve already applied your monthly dose of Advantix II. You should even repel mosquitos by now. Let me see that,“ Belle reportedly cried.

View original 260 more words

Scientists announce discovery of slipperiest substance known to man

Researchers from the University of Nowhere You’ve Ever Heard Of have announced they have broken the recorded, previously held by hagfish, for the slipperiest substance known. The paper, published in this week’s edition of The Banana Peel- a non-peer reviewed journal usually read by apes and men in the waiting rooms of gynecologists- stated that their discovery will revolutionize several industries and make the discovers very rich. Scientists had been aware of the existence of the slippery stuff prior to the paper but had never been able to get a record of it to stand up to the scrutiny level of the slippery substance community which is known as a level Simga-3.23145767552 or “Holy Shit, that’s close.” Continue reading

Ask Dr. Steve- because it’s cheaper 9/6/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

I recently answered an online ad for a photographer that needed a model. I’d never done nude modeling before and it was quite a shock. After he unchained me, removed all those clamps and the hood, he said he would let me know when the proofs are ready. Today my Dad asks me if I’d sold some pics to porn sites. I’m horrified. I can’t even begin to express the outrage burning through me right now. I guess you can’t trust people anymore. I’m totally creeped out my dad surfs porn. I’m 21 and moving out now, I just can’t be around him. How do you recommend I handle this? I don’t know where to begin.

Signed,

My Dad is a perv  Continue reading

Reviews are rolling in for “Running Naked With Pheasants”

As TNRNB reader(s) are well aware, this reporter HATES to use The Blog for self-promotion of any kind, but since the sampler of my future work of literary genius was released this morning, the reviews have been pouring in (my head). I felt it was only right to share some these reviews with the people who make this site such a stark raving success and a leader amongst quickly written posts that go largely ignored. Not just anyone can say that folks. I’ve trimmed the list to spare bandwidth as the reviews are numerous and, at times, lengthy. Read on faithful followers and bask in our shared dominance of all things pheasant.  Continue reading

Exclusive: A sneak peek at my forthcoming book “Running Naked With Pheasants”

Today we have a special column just for the devoted reader(s) of The Not Really News Blog, a summarized sneak peak of the book of the century. A book nearly 40 years in the making, my return to the place of my childhood, all chronicled and ready for release some time before I die, I give you “Running Naked With Pheasants.”  Continue reading

Health – never date an angry midget (dictator)

North Korea has reportedly executed Kim Jong-Un’s ex-girlfriend, by firing squad no less. No one ever said dating the creepy dictator of a third (going on fourth) world country was easy, but the staff here at The Blog finds this to border on the extreme. After some reflecting, we felt that it may be necessary to cover a few dating tips to avoid things like this happening to any of our faithful (or even unfaithful, cheating, sneaking around on us) readers. It’s a rough world out there and no one knows that better than those of us considered leaders of the media. We see and hear things that would send the toughest Boy Scout to a corner, cringing and drooling. We believe that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of… of… of something Continue reading

Editorial: Reflections of loyalty on a holiday weekend

As the final weekend of summer coincides with renewed military activity in a new chunk of Middle Eastern turf, it brings about thoughts of loyalties and allegiances in life. Here at TNRNB headquarters, we believe in the basic inalienable rights; life, liberty, coffee, and the pursuit of bacon. We also realize that this great country of ours makes it possible to do that through a little used document once known as the Constitution and it’s little buddy/ conjoined twin the Bill of Rights. We are also aware that other countries are not as fortunate as we are to have this often Continue reading