The Great Washington Coal Train Controversy (Part 1)

It has become clear that much of Washington is wrapped up in coal train controversy on one side or the other. It is also clear that both sides have become content with just repeating themselves, interjecting little argument of substance into the mix. In order to stop this “will too, will not horseplay™” once and for all, your untiring reporter undertook a study into a situation so convoluted that even the Army Corps of Engineers crawled away from it. The results are shocking, far-reaching, and leave no room for further argument. Clearly, coal is the biggest threat to humanity since the invention of the media. And so, without further delay, from east to west, here are the results of the most in-depth study on the effects coal trains will have on our beautiful state given over a two day span for extra opportunities for our advertisers- I mean to spare no details.

And now, a 35 minute word from our sponsors. (Oops, wrong format).

Coal trains are a threat to the nearly extinct two-headed three-finned albino trout (also known as the Manhattan trout) that occupy the cooling ponds of Hanford Nuclear Reservation. Numbers of this fish are already dwindling as rising radiation levels are increasing the likelihood of sterilization, coal dust could make the ponds completely uninhabitable. This fish is fighting long odds already folks, it can’t afford us to add insult to injury. When reached for comment, Washington’s only ‘Glow-in-the-Dark-Pumpkin®” farmer, John Radonowski stated, ” This better not mess with my pumpkins.” I believe he’s serious.

Coal dust could land on the crops of the primitive people who occupy those seemingly barren lands between the Tri-Cities and Yakima. At first, it seems strange that we could interrupt major trade route potential for all of those ten people but you have to realize that these people supply nearly all of the legumes, cherries, and apples for the entire planet. This reporter still isn’t sure what a legume actually is but it sounds important. Coal dust landing on the leaves of these crops could disrupt vital resources from absorbing into the plants, such as sunlight and pesticides. Blockage of pesticide function could cause havoc with the ecosystem, giving mutant spiders from Hanford a foothold in places farther west and denying certain cities in Oregon from holding “bee memorials.” Ironically, the trains would follow the Gorge after entering the state in Spokane so at least the farmers in the upper two-thirds of the state will be able to blast away at will. Member of the Yakima Indian Tribe, William Wonkatonka, operates an espresso stand just outside of Bingen (where the hell is Bingen?) and has no concern about coal trains affecting his business. “Coal dust is black, coffee is black, no problem,” he stated, “if it gets too bad I can always move, maybe make candy or toy trucks for a living instead.”

Join us tomorrow as our little coal train that could breaks the Cascade barrier and journeys through the wetlands.

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