While there are many articles out there telling men what they need to do to stay fit and tone those triceps, there are few that really touch on the second most important topic in a man’s life- survival. The Not Really News Blog won’t waste your time with another blah blah blah article on building the perfect quads. TNRNB wants you to live, read articles, and be happy. The first two we can help you with. The third is impossible. Happiness is for wild animals, they don’t have anything important to worry about, besides Republicans. So without further delay, 10 tips for men’s survival:
- Drink from the jug. This is important. Drinking from the jug is territory marking. We can’t waste precious resources by sharing. We want to survive. If you can’t pee on it then drink out of it.
- Don’t have a family. Another huge mistake men make is getting married and having kids. There is no better way to die young than to sacrifice all your hard work- even for a cute little defenseless baby.
- Don’t play with babies. Babies are germ party houses. They sit around covered from end to end in slime. Whether they are sitting poo or drenched in drool, they are festering sites of disease waiting to happen.
- Eat what you want. All these new fad diets require you to not eat something and eat less of everything. How does that even make sense? What you don’t eat, someone else will, then it’s gone forever. The key to survival is waste nothing.
- Waste nothing. Never throw anything away. The odds are tremendous that you will need something someday that chucked out with the trash. Since there is no way of knowing what that is, keep everything. Bases covered. Some things can also be repurposed. Forks can be made into back scratchers, for instance.
- Don’t let women buy your clothes. Women buy clothes so that they can parade you around like a trained monkey. While monkeys qualify for happiness under the Wild Animal Happiness Act™ mentioned above, trained monkeys aren’t wild any more so they are required to be miserable as well. Buy your own clothes. And buy manly, warm ones that don’t sag.
- Don’t own trained monkeys. If too many trained monkeys are out there, women may stop making men altogether. That would be a real threat to survival.
- Don’t wash dishes. Men get water everywhere when they wash dishes, it’s part of the fun. However, those puddles of fun are serious slipping hazards and if you brain yourself on the counter and die in a pool of your own blood, you won’t be surviving very well
- Keep your blood on the inside of your body. TNRNB cannot stress enough how important this is. If you don’t follow any the other tips, follow this one. It works without being part of an entire fitness program.
- Buy paper plates. Paper plates avoid the issues of #8 which could lead to failure of #9. Once used, they can be burned for heat, which keeps you from getting cold.
There you have it men, survival is easy if you follow these ten simple tricks. Stay strong, and don’t bleed.