The world is stunned as a ship was stopped in the Panama Canal on suspicion of carrying drugs, only to yield weapons of crass destruction hidden inside containers of brown sugar. The North Korean cargo ship Chong Chon Gang (yes that’s its real name) was detained After officials boarded it for inspection on Monday. Officials have said the captain had to be restrained as he attempted to commit suicide on the instant that the hidden cargo was found. An anonymous intern at KTVU- San Francisco verified that the ship’s captain’s name was Mi Haf Bang and was a general cargo ship owned by the Chongchongang Shipping Co. This reporter finds it suspicious that the ship’s name and parent company are the same but he would never question the fact checking of such an esteemed media outlet.
While it is unclear what the exact intention of the shipment was, it was clearly a surface-to-air missile system that would qualify for antique license plates in the US. Some defense analysts doubt the system could even function which spawned the theory that it may be headed for an overhaul at one of North Korea’s state-of-the-art (I can’t even type that with a straight face) facilities, complete with Model A ford transport capability. Under this hypothesis, the sugar could have been payment for the work being done, and Model A’s don’t come cheap. After a thorough refurbishing, the system would have been shipped back, undoubtedly hidden in a cargo of old Elvis Presley LPs. The second hypothesis is that North Korea was shopping for more weapons that would blend in with their present systems that were designed with Tutti Frutti playing in the background.
All 35 members of the ship’s crew are being held and the cargo violates at least 3 U.N. sanctions. Such violations will most likely anger the U.N. Councilmembers and spark a “We really mean it this time™” rebuke. Honestly reader(s), this reporter has his doubts that the U.N. will act at all. North Korea has stirred unrest on the Korean Peninsula through multiple missile tests, posturing, name calling, and covert unleashing of PSY on the Western World under the guise of him being South Korean. The medical bills your tireless newshound incurred during the last 365 days (Happy anniversary by the way)of Gangnam Style is a war crime in itself. Let us all hope that council surprises us with some sanctions. Like banning those haircuts the Korean dictators all favor, those are just creepy. Stay strong faithful reader(s), those in power will keep us safe and we shall never have to worry about a third world country under the sway of a crazy dictator bringing weapons into the Western Hemisphere.