The trial of James “Whitey” Bulger becomes more surreal each day. FBI informants turned rouge, FBI investigators turned rouge, rouges turned informants, it’s almost like nobody could trust each other. It was almost like a scene from The Departed, but that would just be ridiculous. Clearly there is a huge line between Hollywood and real life. Yet here we are, with every day of new testimony sounding like mobsters are real and capitalism is alive and well in the underworld. And, after 16 years of living as a fugitive, Bulger, now 83, is on trial for 19 killings, extortion, and racketeering. If convicted, he could spend the rest of his life behind bars. He’s 83, they’ll be lucky to get more than a couple of years out of him, like a new Ford or something. Maybe instead of life in prison, he should be forced to do things that benefit humanity, like teach Democrats how to raise money- It’s clear Republicans already know how to use extortion so that would be a waste of taxpayer’s dollars teaching them. He could teach Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes, and other child actresses gone psycho, how to live in California unnoticed. And most importantly he could teach the rest of us how get cool nicknames.
With names like “The Rifleman” and “Whitey” or other mob names like “Scarface,” it is clear that criminals dominate the market in cool nicknames. Even Mexican drugs lords get names like “El General” and “La Barbie,” or my favorite “El Nacho.” And so this reporter wants a nickname, something cool and intimidating and not “asshole” like his wife calls him. Those who go back a few years on Facebook with me will recall a status on Mexican drug lords were I was going to being smuggling Tylenol 3 with codeine across the border under the guise of Steve “Carne Asada Burrito with extra sour cream.” I have since abandoned those dreams because drug smuggling is illegal- and they get shot at a lot. So this hard edged, investigative hound is on the search for a new moniker, something that describes his ability to ferret out the most amazing stories and most informative sources “Power to Google!!!!” Wait. That’s it. Ladies and gentlemen all me to introduce your reporter’s new all mighty nickname: Steve “Power to Google!!!” Kallio, complete with three (3) exclamation points. You may use PtG for short if you fear carpal tunnel syndrome from type-chanting my name as I bring you the latest in critical news and bring myself…. Internet domination. Oops. Got a little wild there for a second, but I’m okay now. Being raised by pheasants has posed some difficulties in how to act in society 9more about that here). Stay strong faithful reader(s) we will get through this together.