The sports world is enraged today as news broke of a judging scandal involving 60 individuals within the sport of rhythmic gymnastics. The integrity of all things ribbon has been called into question as individuals in testing rooms across Europe sought to qualify for events they sucked too bad to get into- by cheating on the test. Yes, that’s right. People will stop at nothing to work their way into this prestigious sport. Lying, cheating judges, unqualified to truly score a masterfully executed triple cartwheel, barrel roll into a sitting position- all while maintaining a maximum amount of concentric circles on that ribbon on a stick thingy (Sorry for the technical terminology). These individuals are the judges folks- or would have been. The International Gymnastics Federation, known as F.I.G. (ok they’re gymnasts not accountants, let’s not expect things to be in order) spent MONTHS investigating this case, ferreting out these weasels who would cause havoc amongst our floor exercises. This reporter knows he won’t be able to stomach the 2016 Olympics now. There will always be that lingering doubt… What if one got through? What if Tajurkslambad gets a medal at the cost of the United States because of a cheating judge? What if RG loses its favored status to an upstart, like synchronized swimming? How deep does this corruption go? We can never be sure. And so, there is only one option left to truly honest rhythmists, we need to start all over. That’s right flabbergasted reader(s), we need a whole new judging body. And that’s where your reporter is already working for you.
After much discussion with F.I.G., an agreement was reached that your tireless newshound would retrain judges and supply them (for a modest fee) to all major events up to and including the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Olympic Games (cue subtle theme music). The new judging body: Judges Expressing Reliable Knowledge Soundlessly (because all judges should be seen not heard) or J.E.R.K.S., will be the finest gymnastic critiquers of their kind. They WILL know the difference between a planned flip and an “incidental stubbed toe then trip and fly through the air while recovering nicely and making look intentional™.” (My wife invented that last one). Now folks the plan here is help a wayward sport regain its integrity. My judges will be honored as the finest judges in the world and it will be common to hear such phrases as “Nice call J.E.R.K.S.” or “Nailed that one J.E.R.K.S.” Such regularity and confidence in judging will once again have rhythmic gymnastics back amongst the leaders in trustworthiness like baseball and cycling. Stay strong reader(s) and keep your eye out for J.E.R.K.S. on a floor exercise near you.