In the second plane crash on U.S. soil this month, there were no deaths and just a few minor injuries. This follows on the heels of the Asiana crash in which only two people died in the crash itself and one was killed post-crash to keep the news higher in ratings. The NTSB has promised an investigation into the nose down landing but this reporter is pretty sure it was due to landing gear failure (since the landing gear failed). An investigation into NTSB investigations will follow. Clearly, someone at the top has dropped the ball as the world’s safest form of travel is having a hard time getting back on the ground. This reporter contacted a summer intern, who asked to remain anonymous since he was supposedly fired last time he answered the phone, and that intern confirmed that top brass within the bureau are covering up the intentional nature of these crashes. The intern then referred me to someone who was “in the know.” NTSB policy maker, and former videogame star, Crash Bandicoot stated that a certain number of landings must now result in wreckage because “practice makes perfect, soon no one will be injured when we wreck a plane.” All crashes are chosen randomly and no pilot will be informed of their impending failed landing until final approach. This reporter is much relieved to see that someone is finally working on this overlooked portion of air travel.
Furthermore, this crash shows it has become much safer to be a SURVIVOR, of a plane crash as no one was ran over by vehicular responders. This is a major advance in crash landing technology. We’re getting safer everyday folks. This reporter is also glad to be a minimal participant in air travel while the current study is underway. There are no definite timelines to the study, but it is thought to be planned for completion before teleporting technology becomes more available. It has already been determined that that pilots will be required to watch a two part training video (starring Robert Hays, Leslie Nielsen, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar) once a month to ensure proper emergency handling. Such training should extend the amount of time a pilot has to make a decision regarding threats on the runway to just under two hours, including commercials. No watermelons were harmed during the filming of the videos. It has also been declared that all landing will include theme music playing through the vehicle’s PA system in order to avoid warning pilots of the outcome of their landing exercises. Stay strong readers (if any of you actually exist), scientists are striving every day to make teleportation a reality.