With the arrival of the new royal baby, TNRNB decided to look into factors that affect all of us in our climb to the top. After much research, it is clear that the top is far different for all of us. In the United States, there are several factors that keeps the “Land of Opportunity” only opportune for some people and not others. It seems that being born in the South places severe limitations on how far you may rise above your birth station. Undoubtedly, this is a separate phenomenon from the foreign language they speak down there. “Ya’ll need ta know, I’m fixin’ ta cut off the lights,” is far more threatening sounding than it really is, but no one is actually sure what it means. If we are cutting off lights in the South, this reporter is going to look into a “replacing all those lights Southerners cut off” startup. What could possibly go wrong?
The study also found that race was not a deciding factor, across the board, in what keeps a man down. In Atlanta, for example, whites and blacks are equally stuck in poverty when compared to the income of their parents. The places found to have the highest mobility included Pittsburgh, Seattle (take that Seasonal Affect Disorder), and Salt Lake City which shows that man can succeed in any climate, from the desert to “look I’m sprouting gills.” However, there must be some way to predict how well a child will earn income in adulthood. We have powerful tools for looking into these things and this reporter thinks that the people who did this study will soon be opening a “career counseling” center within a fertility clinic complete with birthing stations and a travel agent to move your new child to the place most likely to help them earn enough to get yo into a nice rest home where the staff actually rolls you over to prevent bedsores. This reporter may invest in that clinic, the stock will soar (according to Martha Stewart who always knows these things).
Still feeling that the researchers had a secret motive, your tireless, never giving up, news hound performed his own study to find what the best indicators of future success in the United States were. The results were shocking. You are far, far, far more likely to grow up to be rich and successful if you are born in a mansion than if you are born in a state subsidized housing project (gasp). But why? It seems being born in a mansion gives you more opportunities, like better schools, better healthcare, higher likelihood of a two parent family, and, most importantly, the backing of the Republican National Party. Stay strong faithful reader(s), we will break these barriers.