In a shocking plea deal that is certain to finally make the common man feel like justice has been served to a professional athlete, Aaron Hernandez pled guilty to all counts today. The counts covered the murder of Odin Lloyd and the drive double killings currently under investigation. In what has been termed as a “coup d’état that would make Egypt proud,” prosecutors got their man, and for once it didn’t cost gazillions of taxpayer money to do it. Under the deal, Hernandez will have three counts of first degree murder, menacing, coercion, racketeering, domestic terrorism, crimes against humanity, making Belichick sad, and impersonating a tight end. The deal brings closure to many family members and fans who figured he would be traded soon anyway. The charges will all be explained in a news conference after practice gets out but this reporter had to break the story and therefore, sacrificed important details for “the scoopage.©” I feel terrible about this but the United Brotherhood of People Who Write Articles Just for Attention has threatened to revoke my media card if I didn’t lower my standards.
The sentencing phase immediately followed the guilty plea, as it was prearranged and the judge was hungry. In a landmark sentencing, Hernandez will be credited for time served and ordered to 24 hours of community service. The brutal sentencing now shows that athletes are no longer immune to the law that governs the rest of us. Now if we can just get Dave Matthews on hitchhiking charges. Hernandez will take years to recover from this punishment and will obviously never play football again this season, as he was cut by the Patriots, and blocked by Roger Goodell from being picked up by anyone else before justice could be served. Next season remains a mystery for the tight end, will he still be considered a tight end? Or will they have to move him out to wide receiver? Would the pending physical skew any results toward making that decision? So many questions, so little time.
In a related story, Patriots owner Robert Kraft has stated that if Russian President Vladimir Putin doesn’t return his Superbowl ring then he may send Hernandez over to “negotiate” the ring’s return. So strange to see the NFL transcend the Iron Curtain. It brings hope for the future of international sports not named wrestling. That is all for now faithful readers (if there are any of you), stay strong and be glad we have such a strong justice system.