Dear Dr. Steve,
I have a co-worker who does nothing but talk all day. They don’t ever get any work done and the rest of us have to pick up their slack if we want to go home on time. None of us want to complain because she just might be sleeping with the owner. He is married and can’t afford to anger her and we are worried that we would end up losing our jobs if we say anything. What can we possibly do?
Sick of this babbling slut
You have two choices here, neither of which is very good, but it should help you get rid of the slut. Your first choice is to become a slut and work your way into the boss’s bed yourself. He’s obviously not too attached to any one particular partner so replace her then threaten to go to his wife if he doesn’t fire her. Unless you’re a guy, then skip to plan 2. Unless you’re open to it then go for it. If he balks get him for hating on a gay employee, sue and retire, in that order. Plan 2 is a little trickier but less gender specific as well. You must stab the co-worker at least 37 times making sure to hit the face, breasts and sexual organs. Then proceed to write “You’re next you cheating bastard” in the victim’s blood across your boss’s windshield. Throw the body onto the hood. His wife will ultimately take the rap for it and you go free. Good luck in your endeavors.
Dear Dr. Steve,
My mother insists on inviting my teachers over for dinner. I have to get all dressed up, sit there in a chair and look nice and quiet for the entire evening while they talk about things no one cares about. I hate these dinners, I’m 16 years old and still failing school. All my friends say my parents make me look like a suck up. This needs to end soon or I’ll run away. I may even have to kill myself. I’m running out of options.
Even my teachers hate the meatloaf
The next time your mom is baking dessert for one of these dinners, slip some of the marijuana you have hidden in your dresser into the mix. I’m sure that will end these awkward meetings.
How did you achieve world domination through your blog so quickly? I’m amazed by your astounding success.
Just an anonymous fan
Dear Mr. Opinionated,
I’ve told you a hundred times it’s my birthright to rule the world, stop asking. I’ve linked to your blog and that’s all you’re getting out of me.
Well reader(s), the contact form failed in any and all tests last week so if you sent in some questions I didn’t receive them. So this week send all questions, comments, and predicaments to email@example.com. Your questions will remain anonymous as always.