In a story that rocked the nation, a man has made a chocolate cake, and didn’t need twelve hours to clean up. However, this milestone doesn’t come without adversity. In an argument that has led to divorce, his wife claims it is impossible to not to dirty every dish, he is lying and bought the cake, and that she can no longer trust him, which led to their divorce. In a first of its kind, the divorce by jury made headlines and spurred comments that reached to the highest office in the land. The verdict, which found the man did indeed bake the cake, has caused riots, work slowdowns, and bakery closures everywhere. In an apparent effort to quiet the masses- or to spout off about a verdict again- President Obama stated, “You didn’t bake that. It was baked on the backs of many people. And if one man had baked that cake, it would look like a cake I baked. If I had cake, this is what it would be.”
Attorney General Eric Holder stated ” We will now be vetting all baked goods like this. He must have hid some of the dishes somewhere.”
And former presidential candidate Mitt Romney came out of hiding to bolster support for a party that never supported him by saying, “This is the kind of cake I looked for in my days leading up to the campaign. We checked every bakery we could find and documented each stop. I had binders full of cake.”
The labor movement has shown a strong interest in the case, donating millions to cover the wife’s court costs. The United Plate Washers Association of the Rural Dakotas (UPWARDS) has stated this case may be the biggest threat to their union in the history of dish detergent. “If women learn not to dirty all the dishes when in the kitchen there will be less need for our services. It could cut our membership in half, or more. For now our members are just slowing down, but if the appeals fail, we’ll have to picket.”
They share the concerns with one of the country’s largest soap makers, Palmolive. “fewer dishes means less soap. Fewer cases of dish pan hands. That will require a whole new marketing scheme. Those aren’t cheap. That judge better instruct the jury of all the ramifications of this appeal,” a spokesperson said.
Unfortunately, the top secret recipe was intercepted via email by the NSA and now has been leaked by both, Julian Assange and Edward Snowden.
Stay strong loyal reader(s), we’ll know the outcome of the appeal once the Supreme Court releases its verdict. Shouldn’t be more than seven or eight years before this is solved once and for all, your fearless reporter can hardly wait.