Forget about the Illuminati. Don’t worry about Skull & Bones. You might want to keep anything else Dan Brown mentions in the back of your mind, but, really really pay attention to the huge new secret society this reporter has uncovered. There is a group of people with a horrifying amount of power who are rapidly gobbling up members like this reporter gobbling up fake crab salad at Sizzler (well maybe not that fast). This group transcends all classes, includes those from all walks of life, and embraces any race and gender. They don’t care about sexual preference, orientation or your last confession. They may care about your political affiliations but no more than half of them will at any given time. This society is so secret that many members may not even be aware they belong to it. There is no secret handshake, there is only one way to identify them, they vote. Welcome to the… Ignorami. (Cue huge crashing music).
The Ignorami have flown under the radar for so long simply because of their vast numbers. It defies all logic that so many people could be collective ignoramuses on the same subject yet not be able to agree with each other. Yet every other November, they gather their considerable might, and elect their mightiest members to office in local, state, and federal governments. Now just the act of voting doesn’t get you into this exclusive club, you have to wait until the following March (maybe April if there’s some lame duckness involved) and them bemoan at every chance “how did these morons ever get into office” when discussing politicians you voted for. (Note: it is well known that by June of the following year NO ONE will have voted for ANYONE currently in office, but that phenomenon is saved for a future conspiracy article.) As luck would have it, your investigative genius has a contact within the these shrouded walls. Speaking on condition of remaining anonymous (since I had to invent this one, the code of silence is just too strong), my contact allegedly stated “it’s almost like we don’t even exist.” Whoa, now that is damning evidence for the sheer might of this group. It would be easier to have gotten L. Ron Hubbard’s legitimate taxable income for any of the years following the launch of his yacht than to even get a single member to admit affiliation with the Ignorami. Nobody will stand on stand on a street corner yelling Vote for an Ignoramus in 2016 (Although the GOP will try).
The Ignorami can trace their lineage back to a group of Japanese immigrants who settled in Italy in the late 14th century to found a union of decorative meat cutters who knew nothing about business. The Origami Salami Ignorami (part of that was a stolen joke from Pearls before Swine, adapted my immediate needs, sorry) soon began controlling the decision making process of the Medici family, and soon all of Italy. Not content to just control the land of expensive coffee, they branched out in the rest of Europe and even securing passage with Columbus on his first voyage to the new world. This has been proven through a passage found in a diary, left aboard the Nina after making landfall in the New World. The passage is easily identifiable as Ignorami propaganda when read aloud, “whose idea was it to sail with this idiot anyway?” And just like that, the Ignorami spread across the world. Stay strong fearless reader(s), a known power is far easier to work around than an unknown one, like the power that decides which hashtags trend on Twitter, who is THAT guy?