Facebook refuses U.N. records request- it’s a pirate’s life for me

Edward Snowden may have claimed the social networks caved in to NSA pressure for spy material on U.S. citizens, but it stood its ground against the United Nations request for information regarding suspected Somali pirates. While the U.N. says pirates use a variety of means to coordinate activity, real pirates say they don’t use social media “for business” as it greatly increases the likelihood of getting caught. According to NBC, “there are more personal accounts than general ones for the pirates,” said Bile Hussein, a Somali pirate commander in Gracad, a pirate base in central Somalia by phone. “We use emails for deals.” Of course they use email, after all who would suspect CaptSparrow@imapirate.com (not a real email address, however, should it work I have no connection, matey. Nor do I own a parrot) could really be a pirate. So it appears that, while Twitter makes it easier to bust bullies, Facebook is standing its cyber-ground on who can use or can’t use the platform. And why shouldn’t they? It’s not like the U.N. can do much about it, they don’t even have subpoena ability. 

It’s ludicrous that the U.N. would approach Facebook anyway, clearly Twitter would be the avenue to find these pirates. Can you imagine Captain Hook trying to pound out a whole status on his smartphone? That 140 character limit has to be pretty appealing to a guy like that. Luckily your reliable reporter has a source, who spoke on the condition that he would remain anonymous to avoid walking the plank, within the pirate circle. The source was able to copy some tweets from real pirates and send them to me via trained sea otter (obviously pigeons would be a little obvious on a ship right?). An example of one such tweet, which clearly implies piracy, follows:

“@TheRealBlackBeard Yo, Napster brgs hme the gds. Got Mtly Cru grtst hit 4 free. HMU if U wnt in”

And that is just the tips of the iceberg faithful follower(s). It is clear my source is deep within the network but other tweets will not be released until he can escape to safer ground, like Syria. Stay low Haji, help is on the way, just look for the sea otter in the blue collar (that’s code folks, the collar is really red but we don’t want to give that information away). And so while the battle between Disney movies come to life and social media safety wages on, you tireless newshound will maintain a constant vigil as this story develops. Stay strong fearless reader(s), Facebook guards your privacy just as much as you do while Instagraming crappy pictures of your vacation, WHILE YOU’RE STILL AWAY FROM HOME AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT.

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