During research for yesterday’s groundbreaking piece on the Ignorami, this reporter uncovered a cover up far more horrific than the public may be ready for. However, as a member of the press, it is my duty to make sure the public is informed, whether they want to be or not. It is also my duty, as a card carrying member of the media that I hold so close to my heart, to release this information- no matter how incomplete- in the hopes that I become very famous and get my opportunity to stand before my peers… and plead for my freedom (in a very manly way of course). And so, without further delay, my stunning revelations about the evils of Hanford… (we really need sound effects here).
My research in Hanford Nuclear Reservation (HNR) began with some deep digging into files that no other person would go: Wikipedia. That’s right folks, I went there. And what I found led to what I would discover which led to me to what I now know about this administration’s dark role in the preservation of HNR. It begins when Hanford was commissioned as a piece of the Manhattan Project. Hanford was the first reactor in the world to produce plutonium. OOOOHHHH… sneaky isn’t it? But there’s more most of it was pretty dull reading about Hanford producing the fuel for the bomb dropped on Nagasaki, how the workers never knew they were making the bomb, how they only made 60,000 of them, snore, etc. the real juicy part began with the description of the plutonium making process.
You start with a hunk of uranium-238, somehow it grows into uranium-239. Simple. But… “U-239 rapidly undergoes beta decay to form neptunium-239, which rapidly undergoes a second beta decay to form plutonium-239” (Wikipedia). It goes on to say, “a series of chemical processing steps separated the small amount of plutonium that was produced from the remaining uranium and the fission waste products.” Notice the fishy part? (Besides everything always ends in –ium?) As a former wannabe scientist, the unscientific and unspecific “fission waste products” stuck out like a Democrat at a job fair. I looked into these waste products.
It appears that in between the neptunium-plutonium phase there’s another element released. One so unstable and so dangerous even Wikipedia is afraid to report it. But I’m not. This reporter will face all wrath that this administration is sure bring (I need to drop Verizon) in order for the public to know. That missing phase of nuclear decomposition is: obamacareium. BOOOM!!! That just happened!!! The secret is out folks. Not only is obamacareium so dangerous and unstable that it cannot be harnessed but this reporter also found out that the amount of heat released just from storing it is directly responsible for global warming. And the radiation escaping from the leaking tanks that store it…. directly responsible for the Justin Bieber craze. This reporter only takes solace in knowing that his computer’s spell check still flags Bieber as a typo. Until next time folks, stay updated.