Breastfeeding reaches 77% of new moms in the US according to the CDC- FBI arrests 50% of the CDC

In what bodes well for the future of children throughout the country and promises to spark more debate with prudes over boobs in public, the rate of new moms who breastfeed their infants has risen to 77%. Breastfeeding has a multitude of benefits, ranging from strong immune systems to possibly yielding smarter children- with the greatest benefits being those memes of babies with funny looks on their faces talking about boobs- those are great. Breastfeeding has faced many hurdles since the world because a prude-filled hate factory. There was a time when some doctors alluded that formulas might be easier to digest and have nutritional kickbacks (I meant values, I really did). However, the biggest threat to mothers’ ability to breastfeed has been the inconvenience of leaving the home. Much to the chagrin of men everywhere, some members of society frown on a breast being revealed in public, even partially, in order for a mother to feed her child. This saddens your faithful newshound that mothers are not able to do the best thing for their babies. While it is true that most of these complainers are mothers with young, but no longer nursing, children there was a guy who complained once but he was beaten senseless by a pack of construction workers and lost the ability to speak. 

Now, as we all know, no good news comes without some sort of twist. And in this case it appears there was an issue with the way the study was done. In a never before seen event, the FBI descended on the Center for Disease Control and arrested nearly half of its researchers. In a press conference, FBI spokesperson, Liya Pantsonfiya stated that the researchers violated the privacy of the moms in the study. Violations ranged from setting up cameras throughout their houses to merely peeking through windows and hiding in bushes. It appears that not all federal departments have this clearance and those that do, horde it. Pantsonfiya stated that this encroachment on the rights of the American people may have gone unnoticed if it were not for a chance email being intercepted by the NSA before being passed on to the FBI, along with a few photos of mothers in various states of breastfeeding (just to prove their case of course). An official from the CDC speaking on the condition of anonymity, stated (in between dumping the trash and mopping the hall) that the researchers felt a simple survey was unreliable as mothers would be pressured to answer along the lines of what is most acceptable in current mothering trends today, therefore the spying was justified. This reporter doesn’t know what to think anymore, good thing he’s past child bearing age. Stay strong faithful reader(s), and close your curtains.

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