Ask Dr. Steve- You wanted it, now you got it. 8/2/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

I have this rash….


No one who would be recognized here

Dear Ervin,

Say no more (please). We’ve all been there. Most of these are cosmetic issues with mild itching discomfort, however, should this rash continue for a more than a couple of days then action must be taken. First, try some Neosporin or other topical ointment. If that doesn’t work then I have the answer but you won’t like it very much. You must soak the affected part in gasoline for twenty minutes. Then light it on fire, once the flames subside, no trace of the rash will be found. Good luck, let’s hope it’s in an accessible spot (they never are). 

Dear Dr. Steve,

I’ve decided I want no more commitments in life, how do you become a booty call?


No strings, no problem

Dear Strings,

If you don’t know by now, maybe you should buy a houseplant instead, avoid small animals, balconies, and soup commercials

Dear Dr. Steve,

While at dinner with my girlfriend’s family, they decided to fill her in on all the latest exciting news about her ex-boyfriend. This went on through three courses of the meal and, finally, I lost it just before dessert. I asked them which one was sleeping with the ex to possibly have so much information on his daily life. Turns out both of her parents were. And she was too. All at the same time. Repeatedly. I’m now single and didn’t get any dessert. What should I do?

Just call me,

No pie in Philly

Dear No,

First of all, contact Jerry Springer immediately. You won’t even have to fake a fight for this one to be a ratings hog. Second, try to get footage, there’s a niche market you could sell the sex tape to and attempt to recoup some of your pride. Third, never date a woman who kisses her father on the lips and for longer than she kisses you. Good luck and please include a pint of brain bleach with your next letter.

Dear Dr. Steve,

How could you possibly have the answers to some of these questions?


I don’t believe you

Dear Believe,

Same way anyone else answers questions, I Google them. Just avoid images for some of them

As usual, send any questions, comments, suggestions, or what have you to Ask Dr. Steve at or on Twitter to @steve_kallio. Please include “Dr. Steve is the greatest organism on the planet” in the subject line so that I know you are serious(ly needing help that I may not be able to provide). Stay strong fearless reader(s) help is on the way.

3 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Steve- You wanted it, now you got it. 8/2/13

  1. Thanks Dr. Steve, I bet that will help…
    However, since we last talked the rash has taken the shape of Jimi Hendrix riding a Harley while wearing a penguin suit….. Should I be worried?

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