Thanks to the nefarious rants and ravings of Sir Mix-A-Lot and others who followed in his trend setting wake, women’s black market buttock enlarging injections are on the rise. That’s right folks while so many women are starving themselves, living in gyms, and suing Sketchers® for making them look stupid, in order to slim down and fighting creeping butt size there is a number of women who are pursuing back alley cosmetic work to increase the surface area of the badonkadonk. While this may seem strange to some, after duckface, nothing surprises this reporter anymore. “Injectors” charge less than half of what a trained medical professional would ask for in cash, although the complications- which can include loss of limbs, blood poisoning, death, and an ass made of concrete- drive the final total far higher for black market procedures. Ladies, please use better judgment when falling for crazy cosmetic fads, some of these things are very serious. We here at TNRNB worry about you and so we have compiled the following checklist in order to make choosing your cosmetic enhancement specialist easier, safer, and even faster (since you don’t need a secret password to hire them if you do it right).
- Look in the yellow pages. This may seem like a no-brainer but sometimes the simplest answers are dismissed as being “too easy.”
- Ask if they are licensed medical professionals. This is another one that seems to slip through the cracks when women are bargain shopping for butt shapeliness, but easily rectified with a single, well-timed question.
- Ask for a portfolio. If a professional is proud of their work they’ll have before and after pictures by the truckload. If all you see on the walls is stolen motel room “artwork” you may want to pass.
- Ask if insurance covers any portion of the procedure. It won’t-usually- but if they just give you a blank stare it’s a sign they don’t have much in the way of medical lingo.
- Use big words. See number 4.
In spite of offer the above checklist, some black market types can be very convincing. Here are a few warning signs that may help.
- They answer the phone with “Hello?”
- Their own butt looks like it may have partial responsibility for the extinction of the dinosaurs.
- They always appear to be sitting, but their knees aren’t bent.
- There are cases of Home Depot brand silicone in their living room.
- You are in their living room.
- They say “drop your jeans and bend over the kitchen counter, this won’t hurt too much.”
- You are in their kitchen
Now this isn’t an all-encompassing list. Obviously, there are hundreds of warning signs that could arise, like the use of a bicycle tire pump, cement mixer, or secret code-words. In the end, you still have to use your head. Stay strong fearless reader(s), I’m sure the next fad will be much safer.