As you are probably aware by now, the US government agents that are responsible for spying on people who actually aren’t American citizens (yes, it appears those agents do, in fact, exist) discovered that Al-Qaida was plotting…. something. No one is sure what they were plotting, where it would happen (other than most likely not in the US, hence the heightened tension in the US), or when, not to mention how, why, who, or even if it was more than bored Al-Qaeda types being bored Al-Qaeda types. Your reporter staged his own covert operation to wiretap terror leaders in order to find out what was really said, being skeptical that this was just being staged to make Benghazi look legitimate. The operation was not simple. Al-Qaeda has cutting edge technology that was thought to be “untappable” until this reporter came along. I know what you’re thinking, “where was HE during Watergate and how much would Bezos have been charged for The Washington Post is HE had been there then.” Sorry dedicated reader(s), there is only one of me, and no one really seems interested in employing such a star power-like figure. And by that I mean, no one. At all. Ever. Before we transcribe what was heard, TNRNB would like to show you an exclusive image of the two leaders utilizing the now tappable equipment.
And now the exclusive transcription:
al-Zawahiri: Hallooo Nasser, you busy this weekend? I got plans that might be the bomb
al-Wahishi: I’m not sure Ayman, I’m looking for a good place to rent a van right now.
Z: That sounds like a blast but I hear Enterprise in Mecca has very volatile prices. There has been an explosion in the rental sector there.
W: Hmm.. maybe I’ll try somewhere else, I’ve got to pick up some fertilizer and propane for a gathering this weekend anyway. These Ramadan celebrations are so demanding. I went all “jihad” on a prime rib barbeque for all my virgins, virgins love prime rib.
Z: Holy Allah in a bucket!!! They do? Well why in Mohammed’s great unwashed name didn’t you invite me? I ought to steal half your camels for not calling me about this.
W: Sorry, I thought you going to do that… thing.. this weekend. You know, the one we discussed last week?
Z: You idiot!! How have you not blown yourself up yet? I told you never to mention our plans for pedicures on this line.
W: Calm down, don’t get your Hajib in a bunch, this line is the most secure that we’ve ever had.
Z: I need to go, I just heard someone in the other room say “what’s this button do?” that could get ugly. Praise Allah
W: Praise Allah
Stay strong loyal readers, the condition is being monitored.
Update: Yemen is pissed. Details later.