When Jaws hit the big screen there was no doubt who the scariest predator on the planet was. Nearly every shark attack ever has been blasted across the media like some kind of Florida “Stand Your Ground” case. Now, in the shark’s darkest hour, PETA secretly tries to sway public opinion about the “George Zimmerman of the sea©”. After subverting those who make programming type decisions at the Discovery Channel, PETA quickly began pointing how many more sharks die at the hand of man than vice versa. It is your fearless reporter’s opinion that these people obviously believe that “Sharknado” was for entertainment purposes only. Boy were they wrong. There was no entertain or purpose what-so-ever there. PETA likes to point out that thousands of sharks are slaughtered daily to make soup in some countries. Maybe, if PETA was so concerned about sharks, they should ship a few cases of chicken noodle over there to show them what soup is supposed to taste like.
PETA has the power to do so much good so why the hostile takeover of a week’s worth of sharks doing shark things? Like swimming and biting or jumping out of the water and biting, or just biting. We need that education. Sharks are clearly dangerous, they have never ending supplies of teeth, they swim like Michael Phelps after a bonus bong hit, and they just look cool. All that coolness has clearly led to an arrogance where they find themselves being made in soup, like John Travolta’s career in early 90s. Clearly staying uncool is a great way to avoid being “souped™”, just look at politicians; nobody ever sees a senator and thinks, “cream of broccoli with a touch of pepper and cheddar.”
Maybe if senators look more like this they’d be more appetizing (image found via Google search):
Now it is true that sharks kill us less than we kill them, mainly because (aside from the occasional Al Gore inspired sharknado) we have to go to them to get eaten. But we have to get close to them to catch them for soup too. Therefore a simple plan should for PETA to get in the water and form a human shield between the would be “soupers™” and the “soupees™.” This makes it nearly impossible to catch the sharks without catching a mass murder rap at the same time. Until the sharks eat the shield, but maybe that will solve a few problems too, like ocean hunger, it’s devastating and I’m tired of seeing all those starving fish on those commercials with their distended bellies and sunken eyes, sad little flippers just flaccid and dry looking. Well I guess it worked, shark week has once again raised my awareness of so many things that are wrong with the wetter parts of our planet; like the oceans, rivers, and Western Washington state. Stay strong fearless readers, a balance will come between our worlds denizens and soup yet, just say no to great white broth bisque or mako stew and the world will be fine.