In a pair of shocking Friday celeb developments, Beyonce got a haircut and Chris Brown reportedly had a seizure. At first glance, it would seem strange that these two could be linked but, this reporter has a source within the house (obviously nameless) who was vacuuming the carpet when Brown had his episode. The source states, “he just yelled ‘she looks manlier then me again!!!’ and then had a seizure.” This is a very strong rumor as the “Brown camp” (sounds like a team from those old Army men games) stated that heavy stress was at the root of Brown’s latest issue. It is also believable that she could look manlier, given her appearance during her recent Super Bowl halftime show, and this is where things get crazy. Before this major revelation unfolds, this reporter would like to ask, has anyone ever seen Alex Rodriguez and Beyonce in the same room? Due to an unfortunate (for some) leaking of the Biogenesis documents that Rodriguez tried to purchase, we now know why they are always separate.
We begin with Exhibit A: a picture of Beyonce’s halftime show now more famous for her gruesome looks than the show itself, side by side with A-Rod at a press conference:
This was the picture that started it all folks, it is clear that Beyonce a) has been juicing and b) isn’t really Beyonce. Can you see it yet, faithful reader(s)? Well allow your faithful newshound to unmask this charade once and for all (from the TNRNB photo files):
Case closed folks, they are same person. I don’t know how it could have gone on this long. All the signs were there, Biogenesis and Beyonce going all “Incredible Hulkness” at her show. There is no haircut, the wig has finally been removed. Either Alex Rodriguez performed that halftime show or… Beyonce has hit 647 homeruns while making the all of baseball fandom hate her guts like anchovies on ice cream. But this revelation isn’t over yet.
As it turns out the person formerly known as Beyonce/A-Rod is really neither of them. The person masquerading as these two unlikely egos is, in fact:
Charlie Sheen (Google images).
That’s right my stunned worshipful followers, after making the “Major League” movie, the man with tiger’s blood couldn’t let go of baseball but couldn’t really play either. Luckily for him, he has no problem seeking pharmaceutical help when things get tough. Still no word on why he chose the Beyonce alter-ego but rumor is Jay-Z is pissed. Stay strong dedicated reader(s), I know this is a lot to digest at once but together we can get through this.