Friends, Reader(s), Mom (okay, yes I know those are all the same people but I needed the effect) lend me your eyes, for I come to bury Kosar not to praise him. Well that’s about as Shakespearean as I can get with this one, but it no doubt caught at least one of you (out of two?) by surprise. In football commentator news, Bernie Kosar has embarrassed the Cleveland Browns organization by spending an entire football game insulting the St. Louis Rams. First of all, this reporter finds it hard to believe that Mr. Kosar can still live up to his playing days enough to embarrass the entire organization and second of all, is being the Rams embarrassing enough? How can one guy get you down when you have to look in the mirror daily? Ok folks, but really, I can sympathize with Mr. Kosar, he played his heart for the Browns, and when you put in the time for the only organization that is willing to employ you, you get emotional about that organization. Someday I hope to employed just a little, so that I can share in Mr. Kosar’s fire. This is not to say that your reporter doesn’t get fired up during events that mean a lot to him, I am no longer allowed to be a color commentator for t-ball games in the state of Washington after a bit of… unpleasantness. Okay so I said that if I were little Tommy, I’d take the head off the next kid to step in the batter’s box, but it’s T-BALL, you don’t even get to pitch, sigh. And I think we’ve all remember what I went through to keep rhythmic gymnastics afloat (see the story here if you missed it).
The real problem here has nothing to do with one of the greatest quarterbacks in Browns history (not a lot of competition), it has to do with the group of people your reporter likes to call “Generation Butthurt™.” You can’t criticize anyone anymore (unless you call it satire or humor- but who does that anymore either?) without a bunch of namby-pampy whininess. Everyone gets their feelings hurt so easily. Except my faithful reader(s), this reporter knows he can say whatever he feels is necessary to make sure the news is always delivered with precision, a cutting edge, nobody reads it anyway. So I’ll finish what Bernie couldn’t (besides winning football games, I’m too old and fat for that). Folks, the Rams suck. And the Browns suck. And playing each other may well result in the suckiest suck ever to have sucked but I’m not sure because I didn’t watch it. To be honest, I don’t know how that much suck all in one place didn’t implode the stadium and spawn a black hole that engulfed us all (like the Large Hadron Collider was supposed to). Let’s just hope they never meet in the regular season. Stay strong fearless reader(s), we will make the human race tough again.