Classifieds 8/12/13

For sale or trade:

One gently used toilet. Except for that day we hosted a chili cook off, it really got a workout that time. All original lid, seat and tank. Factory flappy thing in tank, exit hole bored .030″ inch over for added flush power. Off white with pearl flames. First $50 takes it or trade for a manure spreader capable of being rebuilt. Call or text for pictures (321) 234-4231

My loss is your gain:

Huge lot of brand new clothes bought for my daughter for school. She thought sex was more important than staying a size 4, her pregnancy is your gain. Also for sale one bedroom window with a broken lock, two camcorders, a brass pole and a self-help book on parenting I no longer need, hard back and makes a great tool for hitting daughter’s boyfriend/soon to be high school dropout husband. Call for pricing (345)352-4123

Family heirloom for sale:

Beautiful king size four poster bed. Hand carved by my great grandfather and passed down from generation to generation. Only selling because parents were into kinky stuff, Dad had Alzheimer’s and forgot Mom tied up in it. And forgot where he lived. For a month. Bed was shipped to me from their England home with a note explaining. I can’t sleep in it and I don’t have the keys to her handcuffs. Free to anyone who can saw Mom out of it. (921) 456-7456

Horse for sale:

One quarter horse stallion for sale. 16 hands, runs like the wind, stops like shit. Also can be a bit unpredictable, he’s mostly deaf so can’t tell the difference between “whoa” and “go.” Comes with saddle (and serious boot gripping stirrups). Also includes size ten silver tipped boots that look cool in the movies but stick to stirrups like poop to a two month old baby, a pair of chaps that also looked way better on Sam Elliot, and one shirt that doesn’t have a back anymore. Horse must be gone by the end of the week or I’m calling Alpo. Stop by the No Fear Ranch to view the walking bag of dog food. (987)879-1234

Looking for love in outer spaces:

SWM ISO SWF who enjoys outer space. That is all. If you can’t tell me the names of at least 25 galaxies and how far away they are then don’t respond. Must have Star Trek jumpsuit and pajamas. Please include pictures of mock-phaser you hand made to blast away tribbles. Ad# 123423342

Thanks for checking in fearless bargain shopping reader(s) maybe one day we’ll get some normal ads in this place…. Have a great day and remember: Mondays only hurt until it’s Tuesday

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6 thoughts on “Classifieds 8/12/13

  1. I wonder what would happen if you actually had these inserted into your local newspaper? They are a hoot and holler!

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