Dear Dr. Steve- Advice you’ll love to ignore 8/15/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

I think my wife is cheating on me. She called me from a strange number and said she wouldn’t be home. Then, when she came home, she was covered in hickies and walking like she just learned how to ride a horse. If that wasn’t enough, there was a note in her purse that said, “You were great last night, I didn’t know you could do that on playground equipment.” I know our marriage hasn’t been the best but this is too much for me. She denies it all, says I’m imagining things. Pretty hard to ignore all the signs, what should I do?


Heartbroken and confused

Dear Confused,

At this point I find it hard to believe your story. There is no way you found anything in a woman’s purse. That doesn’t happen ever. And I mean ever. Purses are miniature black holes where helpless objects and husband’s paychecks go to die. Come back to me when you can be a little more truthful. In the meantime, avoid your wife until she’s had her shots.

Dear Dr. Steve,

My mother in law is coming to live with us. My father in law passed away in a horrific industrial blender accident while making pastries and now she needs to be cared for while she heals. I’m pretty sure I can manipulate the situation and get free babysitting, cooking and cleaning out of the old bag while she’s here. Work has always been the best therapy for grieving people. I lost both my parents, a brother, two sisters, and the family dog to a rather nasty pesticide incident when I was nine, and by growing my own vegetables. I turned out just fine. My other idea is she can help me with my home business, I make organic juice out of my homegrown vegetables, but how can I get her to run a blender without using a shock collar on her?


Brooding on a blender bender

Dear Bender,

Please tell me you don’t have children.

Dear Dr. Steve,

We had a dinner party the other night and everything was fine until my husband had a few too many drinks. He then proceeded to reveal that I’ve been unfaithful in the past. I thought he was over it but now I’m starting to believe it is just eating at him. Maybe if he went out and had a fling he could get over it a little easier? I’m not sure, I had several affairs and my wandering eye may bother him more than he lets on but I’m a 28 year old fitness instructor for women who suffer from boobs too large to do conventional exercises and after being around women all day sometimes men just dominate my thinking. What do you think?


Lost in lust

Dear Lust,

I’ve often heard the best way to get over someone is to get under someone, I’m not sure how true that is. On a much more important note, where is this gym you teach at again? I mean, I know some people looking for a place to work out… I don’t need to, I’m naturally fit and would never actually go to this gym full of these women you describe. That would just be creepy. Please respond soon.

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