Health-3 Ways to not be as ugly as you presently are (formerly known as beauty tips)

Many simple, healthy sounding formulas for becoming less ugly are found all over the Internet and seem to plague Facebook more than most places. This reporter felt it was time to move some of these tips to one place for easier “un-uglifying©” yourself. It has not escaped attention that many of these formulae (I love –ae endings) are very slow to produce results so, in total TNRNB fashion, a second and more- immediate- option is available.

  1. Facial hair removal cream:
    1. Mix 1 tbs. honey, ½ tbs. ground oatmeal, and add a few drops of lemon juice (doesn’t seem to make much). Apply paste like a mask on face (do not sneak up on husband while wearing this). Leave on for about 15 minutes and then rinse off. Repeat 2-3 times a week for 3-4 weeks to eliminate facial hair permanently. (Boring)
    2. Mix ¼ cup gasoline with ½ Palmolive dishwashing soap and a cup of flour. Smear on face. Wait two minutes and light on fire (might want to wrap hair in a damp towel unless you want to be bald too). Allow flames to burn out then rinse off and dial 911.
  2. Teeth whitening (or tooth whitening if you are from certain areas that will remain nameless (Longview, Wa.))
    1. Pour about 2 tablespoons (30 milliliters) of the antiseptic into your mouth, and swish it around for 1 minute. The solution will begin to foam; this is how you know it is working. The hydrogen peroxide combined with oral bacteria cause bubbles to form in your mouth. Spit out the solution, and rinse your mouth with water. Brush your teeth as you normally would. Sooner or later you might see results.
    2. Mix ¼ cup granulated pool chlorine into ½ cup of warm tap water (do not breathe fumes). Swish around in mouth vigorously for 30 seconds ignoring any vapors or excruciating pain. Spit into a colander. Pick teeth (or tooth if you’re from Longview) out of colander and admire how shiny those pearly whites are. You may want to rinse with water for about three weeks to remove any lingering residue.
  3. Hair conditioner recipe
    1. Small amount of jojoba, olive, or coconut oil. Herb mixture of choice (optional). Essential oils of choice (optional). Warm the oil to 100-105 degrees in a double boiler. If using, add herbs and essential oils.

    Dampen hair. For long or thick hair, use 1-2 teaspoons of the oil mixture, and for fine or short hair, use 1/4 teaspoon of the mixture. Massage oil into the scalp and work through the strands, covering all hair completely. Cover hair with a shower cap or plastic bag and if possible sit in the sun or by the woodstove. Heat facilitates the process. Leave the oil in for an hour or two, and then, shampoo and rinse.

    1. Fill all washing machine cups with fabric softener of choice. Climb in washer. If front loader, convince someone to run a deep clean cycle (TIP: avoid sterilizing cycles if you are sensitive to near boiling water or have tried any of the above “B)” tips within the last 5 years). Hold breath. Climb out of washing machine. If front loader, wait until you regain consciousness then scream until someone lets you out. ***OPTIONAL*** climb in dryer and enjoy a relaxing slow tumble to dry off (TIP: run on low heat as sweating will cause salt build up that may have a frizzing effect on your freshly softened locks)

Stay strong fearless reader(s), we live in a world where fast results are all that matter, even if they kill you.

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