United States government announces existence of Area 51

In a remarkable move by an administration known for having the transparency equivalent to an Alex Rodriguez press conference, the US government has announced that famed Area 51… exists. A group of declassified documents acknowledge the existence of part of Edwards Air Force base where rumors claim aliens and remnants of a space craft are housed. This reporter astutely noticed the name of the base and its resemblance to NSA leaker Edward Snowden’s, an unlikely coincidence. This acknowledgement that Area 51 is really a place opens many doors for the government to admit other famous rumors exist as well, like the “Constitution” or the fabled “Bill of Rights.” But, most likely, those will remain classified along with “common sense” and “leadership abilities.” This reporter hopes that the government spied (no pun intended- okay it was fully intended and I’m not sorry) his own attempt at transparency and followed suit. When reached by ultra-sneaky carrier pigeon, a source, who obviously wants to remain anonymous so he doesn’t have to live in a Russian airport for over a month (although janitors are in high demand in Moscow for their ability to sweep things “under the rug”), stated, ” While the government still denies any ‘Roswell Incident- UFO claims’ we want you to know that the maps with those stupid looking blacked out areas and the words ‘here there be monsters’ are a thing of the past. Buy stock in Rand-McNally now. And no, Apple Maps still won’t be able to find anything.” Stay low Jim, I think they’re on to you.

Now readers, I know most of you are stunned at these revelations. However your tireless newshound isn’t so easily swayed by a mere concession that a famous place is really there. I’m not buying into their game until they explain what those buttons at crosswalks actually do. I’m convinced they’re some sort of polling device- Press once to say this light is the perfect length, Press four millions times to say it could be a touch shorter. Seems probable to me.

What we really need to know, as informed citizens, is where these “spokesmen” and “officials” really get their stories from. This reporter demands to know where they hide the fabled “Colon of Creativity***.” The COC is so powerful that it has managed to placate the howling mobs of the Ignorami™ for centuries (well two centuries and some change anyway) while even those who have heard of it doubt it’s existence. The COC has spawned everything from “Iraqi weapons of mass destruction” to “I did not have sexual relations with that woman.” It would be the Holy Grail of storytelling- like Stephen King… or Fox News. Stay strong fearless reader(s), the truth will prevail. Please see the note below for more information on the COC.

*** the phrase “colon of creativity” is the intellectual spawn of Ned Hickson. Its true origins can be found in an enlightening post for wannabe writers here at Gliterary Girl. More of Ned’s work is available for perusal at that blog and his own, with the spotlight grabbing title (and roughly 240 times the followers) Ned’s Blog. Might as well wish Ned a happy birthday while we’re at it. Thanks for being a follower Ned, let’s hope that correlates into actually reading something I’ve written someday.

19 thoughts on “United States government announces existence of Area 51

  1. I’m probably risking my personal safety, or at least an accurate reading at my next colorectal exam by telling you this, but I think I saw the Colon of Creativity once. Momentarily. Before it closed shut. They told me it was just a deflating weather balloon but I know better.

    Stay fearless. Stay informed. And well… just stay.

  2. “This acknowledgement that Area 51 is really a place opens many doors for the government to admit other famous rumors exist as well, like the “Constitution” or the fabled “Bill of Rights.”

    This is the sentence I needed to read tonight. Thankyavery much. We laugh so as not to cry.

      • To Clarify: Really, I’m feeling fine personally..it’s the suspension of our Constitutional Rights that is so offensive. I’m surprised more people aren’t outraged by it. Humor helps to get serious messages across, of course. But thanks for your good wishes, nonetheless. : )

      • Oops. Glad to hear it. I think humor is a good way to get people to think about things too. The lack of anger right now is disturbing but I’m going to be more active. Who’s in for a hunger strike from eleven to noon PST?

      • Hey, whadddaya know. I can work that into my schedule perfectly. Nothing like an hour long hunger strike to show the depth of one’s integrity and commitment. We’ll be poster children for the ACLU. (I’m a member. woo-hoo!)

      • If you are anything like me it will be an eternity. I love food, but being told I can’t have something in advance like that can bring out the two year old in me. I think we can do it. One step closer to taking back the Colon!!!

      • Genius. What better way to survive a hunger strike than to go in well fed? I better get the biscuits and gravy going to keep my strength up

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