Small town festival time has arrived- A TNRNB guide to late summer fun

Well faithful reader(s), summer is winding down and the dog days of August bring us those warm nights that have “let there be festivals” written all over them. Blue festivals, car shows, wine festivals, and, most importantly, the Society for Creative Anachronism festivals are all making their rounds and providing us with an opportunity for being drunk in a multitude of ways. The staff here at The Blog (okay, me) decided we would cover a few dos and don’ts to blend in with such diverse crowds.

  1. Blues festivals- these have become a centerpiece of highbrow summer evening entertainment despite the fact that the crowds are predominately white people who a) really don’t have a clue what the blues are about and b) have never purchased a single piece of blues music (Kenny G and Eminem do not count, it is a proven fact that white people can’t blues) in the first place. My own little dinky town blues festival had the amazing foresight to scout the musicians prior to the festival. The headliners are from Chicago, if there’s ever been a city that is depressing enough to make great blues music, it’s Chicago (unless you get shot first). Cleveland was a runner up just for being Cleveland. If you attend these be sure to at least be able to pronounce seven different kinds of microbrews and know the difference between a hollow body and semi-hollow body guitar. All ignorance of anything important to blues can be masked with these topics.
  2. Car shows- take your kid, tell how him/her how you never actually owned any of these cars but you knew someone who had heard of someone who saw one once. Then tell him those assholes at Barrett-Jackson Auctions have made it impossible to own a car you never would have bought anyway. Wear shorts and sandals, be home by noon, and watch football.
  3. Wine festivals- bring barf bags. Talk about how great the sour, nasty, vapor trailing concoction in your hand would go with chicken lightly basted in ketchup and covered in basil. Avoid drinking too much water early in the next day. Your sense of smell should return within 5 – 7 days.
  4. SCA Festivals- now if this doesn’t rev up your inner nerd like the cast of The Big Bang Theory discovering cocaine then you are truly dead. This is a chance to go somewhere besides Wal-Mart and feel really good about yourself. However, if you come at me with that pool noodle shaped like a broadsword I WILL whip out my +2 magic marker of doom and take you out. When I’m done with you, you’ll go from medieval kilted Scottish warrior to looking like a Smurf in a flannel toga- don’t try me. And be careful of the mead, or you’ll be spending the night with Friar Tuck and Billy the Broadsword guy.

Have fun loyal follower(s), summer is winding down take advantage of all the possibilities.

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