Ima Groaner (September 8, 1953 – August 10, 2013)
Miss Groaner finally passed away surrounded by deaf people who never understood what she was saying. While anyone who knew her very well managed to avoid her during the last 55 years, it is anticipated that her funeral will be standing room only as hordes of well-wishers say their final goodbyes. Miss Groaner was a lifelong hypochondriac and world record holding endurance talker. Her monologues concerning her various imagined ailments are legendary and will be remembered for years to come. Her greatest feat was to save a sailboat full of friends, who didn’t know she was coming along, by talking the boat back to land after the wind died and they spent three weeks becalmed. Ima was a spinster, who loved to crochet blankets for her pack of 600 house cats and the 400 or so strays that she fed as well. She could often be seen telling her beloved cats about her cancer she didn’t have or the hemorrhoids she never suffered from. After she passed, her cats were adopted and the house was incinerated to contain the cat hair. The service is being handled by Stuffem Brothers Funeral Home, LLC. Cheese and wine will be served.
Jim Class (March 7, 1920 – August 13, 2013)
Mr. Class peacefully died of nothing after a bout of clean health. Mr. Class was an avid runner, dieter, and all around health nut who made everyone around him miserable. We are pretty sure he didn’t even defecate. Mr. Class was well known for winning the Tour de France while simultaneously competing in three Ironman triathlons. His organic vegetable farm will passed to his only son, Lacka (71). Lacka Class provided Jim with 14 grandchildren for which he will most likely have to sell the farm to cover unpaid child support payments for which he owes to 12 women. Jim was a devout Christian who never missed a Sunday service and served 22 consecutive terms as a church elder, summer camp director, fund raising secretary, director of human resources, and finance manager. During Mr. Class’s term as everything, the church enjoyed an era of expansion like never seen before, we aren’t sure, but it may qualify as its own religion now. Mr. Class’s service will be held at church he loved so much, the Met-Life, Allstate, Chick-Fil-A Baptist Church of NW We Love Our Countryville, Sponsored by Geico.
My Paycheck (a minute ago- gone)
The wife taketh and the wife taketh some more… sigh
Stay strong fearless reader(s), if you’re reading this then you don’t belong on it. Shout out to TNRNB graphic designer, Bob Crisman, Jr. on his birthday. Without him, things wouldn’t look so darn peppy around here (and those creepy pheasants wouldn’t be on the About this Author page…). Enjoy it Bob, you’re not getting any younger.