Bradley Manning sentenced to prison until he hits puberty (or 35 years but who’s counting?)

In a partial message sent out to all who leak what’s left of United States government’s classified material, Bradley Manning has been sentenced to puberty. Well, he’s locked up until he can at least sprout facial hair convincingly. This reporter is fairly happy to have never earned such a sentence. Prosecutors were hoping to send a full message with a sentence between 60 and 90 years but, after redundant charges were dropped and the whole “aiding foreign jerks who probably already have the information anyway” charge was dropped Manning could walk out of jail in as little as ten years. If he stops shaving now, he may meet his goal. The world is divided over “Baby face Bradley,” unsure whether he’s truly a traitor, or if he’s a hero who has helped to expose a government for its fascist ways. Here at TNRNB, we will sit on no fences, we clearly state where we stand on all topics and we are fair. So take that CNN, you harbingers of hollowness and you too, Fox News, with your predictable mannerisms and lack of viewers (I’m with ya on that one…). Our stance is (and I quote), “Bradley Manning is a weasel and a coward whose actions have endangered our troops, the allies we talked shit about, and our citizens. His behavior has directly led to numerous opportunities for us to produce numerous jokes and news columns about his folly. We didn’t because we are clearly more mature than that. We will maintain our love/hate relationship with the former Pfc. Manning until Edward Snowden is brought to trial or there is proof that Julian Assenge is less androgynous in reality than he appears in every picture and video ever made of him.” So now you know.

What we (and by we, I clearly mean me- unless Bob wants to know to but I haven’t asked him) here at The Blog want to know is HOW THE HELL DO THEY PICK THESE PEOPLE TO HAVE ACCESS TO SUCH TOP SECRET STUFF???? A private first class means you showed for the first day of boot camp. And Snowden wasn’t even a direct government employee but was actually a contractor. Both of them are young males dealing with their first realization that the world may not be a nice place. Why can’t I get a job like that? I’m 40 (ish), I have no friends, no one will take me in, I hate to fly, my car isn’t reliable enough to get me out of the town I live in, and my wife rarely even talks to me… but no one tells me anything. I’m more secure than Microsoft headquarters on bring your brat to work day. You’d think the government would be begging me for a job there. Unless… they read my email (you guys don’t actually send me any so you’re safe), or that text I sent to , a friend, or my clear stance that Hanford Nuclear Reservation is not good for our health in the Columbia river basin. Or they saw the compromising picture of me and that doughnut on Facebook. Sigh. The death of another dream.

That’s it for now fearless reader(s), I need to go feed the pigeons.

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