In yet another potential spying failure, the NSA has been caught peeking in on the actions of the other major United States intelligence agencies. Since the Patriot Act, the NSA has enjoyed nearly unfettered freedom to keep tabs on everyone from potential terrorists to political dissidents and from the United Nations to the Associate Press, and, of course, Verizon Wireless users. This latest scandal has prompted Mr. Obama to immediately hold a press conference, giving himself mere weeks to prepare a speech for it, and nominate J. Edgar Hoover as Supreme Intelligence Overlord, Head of Vacuum Cleaner Sales, and Prince of Keeping People Confused About Your Sexuality. While it is commonly accepted that Hoover has been dead for the last 41 years, Mr. Obama says the grave “cannot stand in the way of progress” and “when I said I’d bring change, I meant it- even if it means having Cabinet positions invented, and filled by dead people overnight.” The president went on to say that, should Hoover not show up for work by Monday morning it would be a “clear case of partisan scare tactics by the GOP and clearly a case of ‘poppycock’.” Harsh words by a man who has been raked over the coals recently as revelations of United States shenanigans have been made public.
When asked why nominate Hoover for such a position Mr. Obama had even stronger words, “The United States needs, that is, the People of the United States need, err I should say, the world is ready for, no- I really mean, I cannot do it all. I need a person in a position of trust that I can trust. A person of reliability that I can rely on. If I could take over all of the intelligence bureaus for this country- or even the ones I actually know about- I would, then I would know that I know… things. Instead, I recognize that one man can’t be in that many places. I will put someone in that place who I know has a firm grasp of the scope of intelligence gathering in this country, yet will not abuse it.” The president concluded by stating Hoover was the greatest spy of any spy he’s heard of, which isn’t many since they’re spies. “Think about what this man has done, he knew everything that went on, whether it happened or not. And even after more than 40 years after he died, we still don’t know who he was. That’s somebody I want to invest a lot of power in. That’s results.”
Stay strong fearless reader(s), I’m sure there will be more to this story as time goes on, we’ll just have to wait for the next round of leaks to find out about it.