Breaking News: Movie to made about your favorite reporter/editor’s life

In a movie release that is sure to finally bridge the gap between man, pheasant, and news reporting once and for all, “Of Birds and Men” will be released on Thanksgiving 2013. The script has been based on the real life story of Steve Kallio was raised by a flock of benevolent ring-necked pheasants in the wild lands of south-west Washington state. It will chronicle his meteoric rise from statue squatter to media mogul. It is inspiring to all who meet him to learn how he overcame such bizarre childhood circumstances to develop an almost cult-like following in which people seem to flock to him from all corners of the world. The movie will be an unauthorized autobiography however, as Steve didn’t give himself written permission to write it. Included in the story are tales of some of the statements made by world leaders concerning this great man such as:

Barack Obama: “Will somebody shut that guy up?”

Kim Jong-Un: “그를
죽일 Gangnam Style”

Vladimir Putin: “We’ll take him”

The movie is slated to star Phineas Pheasant as himself, a move that took much bargaining with the Actors Guild as Phineas isn’t a member and believe union dues are not for the birds. Steve’s wife will played by a remarkably beautiful woman who meets all of his real wife’s characteristics and, also, her approval- we may have to edit the wife completely out. The roles of his six dogs will be filled by Lassie, Rin-Tin-Tin, Toto and Three Dog Night. This will take some serious scheduling as we’ve just been notified that Toto is on tour with Kansas while Dorothy finishes menopause.

The lead role was a little tougher to sort out. The line of actors being for the role was almost embarrassing. In order to sooth the egos of some of Hollywood’s most powerful men a genetically modified superhuman will be built to play Mr. Kallio in the movie. DNA contributors include: Brad Pitt, Channing Tatum, Harrison Ford, Robert De Niro, Kevin Costner, and Danny DeVito. It was tough to narrow it down but cuts had to made and no one could spell “Schwarzenegger,” probably because of “True Lies,” but we aren’t positive about that.

As the movie is written to be an immediate classic several directors were vetted to be sure the movie stayed as real as possible. After several months, George Lucas was chosen lead the film, as Quentin Tarantino was busy making “Kill Bill Vol. nobody understands this anyway.” The movie will be offered in both, regular and 3-D, formats and will debut on 13 million IMAX screens been built solely to present this film.

That’s all for now fearless reader(s), I’m sure we’ll hear about this one.