Soccer team offers up animal sacrifice- wins match

In world sporting news today, it has been noted that a soccer team has sacrificed a sheep prior to its winning match against Celtic. Shakhter Karagandy, a team from Kazakhstan, offered up the sheep at Astana Arena, freshly built for the team. The governing body, UEFA or the Union of European Football Associations, has said the team will face sanctions if it happens again. In response, “Shakhter coach Viktor Kumykov suggested the ritual could be repeated.” Surely this 15th century type of behavior in sports must have died out after the second Major League movie, but it appears that some pockets of resistance remain. Even more shocking is the choice of animal, sheep are nearly sacred in the world of soccer (or football as the rest of planet outside of the United States calls it). Other soccer clubs are livid about this development. Premier British soccer team Manchester United, or Man Ewe as they are affectionately known, has stated that the red cards will fly if this tiny club can ever afford to travel to the UK. “This is an unacceptable, at least make some mutton out of the damn thing,” a Man Ewe spokesman stated on condition of anonymity (the people who mop shower stalls in the locker room are non-union there it seems).

In the United States, the sentiments were even more heated. Several semi-professional clubs in the state of Montana released a joint statement, “in light of the havoc such a practice would unfold on the dating scene in our state we have petitioned the governor of Montana to ban these slayers of backwoods lovin’ from entering our lands. We mean no disrespect to those of another culture which we may not fully understand, it’s just that our sheep are already scared enough, they hardly even get their heads caught in fences anymore.” (Editor’s note: if you happen to be from Montana, please mentally insert Wyoming. If you are from Wyoming please share this on your Facebook page so the other six residents of your state can enjoy it too.)

When reached for comment, a PETA representative stated, “we haven’t had a chance to review this development we’re still trying to get a crippled chicken statue in the state of Oregon and battling with soup companies for the control of Shark Week. If we find these allegations about animal sacrifice in soccer to be true, we will probably follow up with a cry for a whole planet ban on soccer, a massive media blitz on raising sheep awareness outside of Montana (Ed: Or Wyoming), and cap it off with another round of naked celebrities who have agreed never to hold a ritual animal sacrifice. We will then ignore all public backlash concerning unreasonable demands.”

Well there you have it faithful reader(s), the entire world is stunned by this barbaric Old Testament-like behavior. It is clear that we need more humane sports in our lives like rhythmic gymnastics and full contact croquet.

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