Ask Dr. Steve- because no one else listens to you 8/29/13

Dear Most Highly Regarded Dr. Steve,

I’ve lost…. “The Funny”… Nothing is funny to me anymore…. What can I do!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Signed,

An unidentifiable person

Dear Ervin, 

I decided to run this a little earlier to get to your question. It is a good question and shouldn’t wait (too long) to be answered. The funny can tough to keep and it often eludes me as well. When this happens, the first thing I do is try not to think about it. Often lowering the pressure does the trick. If that doesn’t work, I’ve been known to break old pictures of my wife from the late 80s or early 90s and look at her hair. One can’t help but begin to laugh after that. If that still doesn’t crack the block then I resort to a much more severe routine. I stand at the top of stairs and trip people as they approach them. A camera, set for motion detection snaps a picture. After a dozen or so trips, and a few days in jail, I review the pictures for the looks on their faces they are usually priceless and snap me out of it right away. My last resort is to reprint the jokes I heard in jail. Good luck, the funny will return.

Dear Most Helpful Dr. Steve,

I really need to get this guy’s attention. He’s the coolest guy I’ve ever met but I don’t think he really notices me. I’ve tried to be at the places I know he likes to hang out, smile when he walks by, leave notes in his bathroom, and- just once- carve my name in his headboard while he was at work. Sooner or later he’s going to change the locks on his apartment and my opportunity will be lost until I can make a wax impression of his new key. I’m in total panic, I’ve thought about hacking his computer to get his cell phone turned off so he can’t call a locksmith but that might affect the wall paper picture of me I put on there while he was sleeping. I know I come across as a little over the top but it’s not like that really. What can I do?

Sincerely,

It’s only stalking if they send you to jail

Dear Jail,

I realize that sometimes things sound much worse than they really are. Happens to me all the time. Now there are a couple of things you can do here. It’s clear you feel strongly about this guy. You might try bouncing topless on a trampoline in front of his apartment. If that doesn’t get his attention you will most likely still find someone who wants to talk to you. And remember to smile for the camera, you won’t see them but they are there. Your final resort is a little more extreme and you might not wish to go this far. If nothing else works then you can hang yourself from the rod in his closet. For an added effect you can write a message in blood across your bare abdomen for him to find as well. While you will be dead and not able to further pursue him, it will still get his attention for sure. Good luck, let’s hope you can do this and avoid jail time.

Dear Asshole,

Get off the computer and do the dishes it’s been long enough, I have to go to work to support you so you could at least take care of the dishes I make sure you get fed with.

Signed,

You know who

Dear Who,

Yes dear, and be careful at work today. I really worry about you taking that job as logger so I could stay home and blog. You’re the best. And it’s really cute the way you say “Tiiimmmberrrrrr” before shoving furniture over on me. See you later.

That’s all for now fearless reader(s) stay strong and be happy.

Attention please:
All shirts are now on sale, $5 off for a limited time only. All coffee mugs are $4 off. Click on the “Shop for killer stuff here” button in the menu or click on
http://notreallynewsshirts.spreadshirt.com/ to go there directly without reading my emotional plea for support for Casey.

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