As the final weekend of summer coincides with renewed military activity in a new chunk of Middle Eastern turf, it brings about thoughts of loyalties and allegiances in life. Here at TNRNB headquarters, we believe in the basic inalienable rights; life, liberty, coffee, and the pursuit of bacon. We also realize that this great country of ours makes it possible to do that through a little used document once known as the Constitution and it’s little buddy/ conjoined twin the Bill of Rights. We are also aware that other countries are not as fortunate as we are to have this oftenignored hunk of parchment. It is these countries that we tend to bomb the hell out of in the name of human rights, democracy, oil, and blocking the “commie bastards” from strategic land grabs that we want for ourselves. In recent years, the vast majority (all of them) of the countries we have “brought into the light” are Muslim dominated lands- in other words, they have NO bacon and are forbidden to the pursuit of said bacon. It is our sworn duty to bring cured pork to these barbaric lands.
However, interrupting discussions of former Disney child actresses and their inexplicable turmoil as young adults, such talk of minor foreign issues (like war) reveals some divisions within our own country. While it often is ignored, or only mentioned in casual circles, the growing rift between carnivorous people and the diverse, ever-growing ranks of vegetarians is starting to get ugly. Of course, we believe this can be tied directly to lack of bacon. If you’ve ever done a side-by-side comparison of PETA and those on a fundamentalist jihad the only difference you really notice is that the PETA types are usually naked. Other than that, the outbursts of anger, contorted faces, and sign waving are nearly identical. We need to bring these people bacon as well, which is why the staff here at The Blog have begun a Kickstarter campaign to fund research for the formulation of bamboo bacon. We are pretty sure it is the answer to many current problems- possibly even the cure for stupidity- but that remains to be seen and we don’t want to over hype anything yet. We’ll leave that to the New York Yankees, the Sultans of Over Hype.
Well it’s that time again faithful reader(s), don’t forget to swing by the marketplace and get yourself a T-shirt or coffee mug while they’re still on sale and remember to help spread the words of peace to each other over this holiday weekend. Whenever you see someone who is angry, hurt, or confused just take them by the hand, look them in the eyes, talk to them about bacon, and say “please, just give grease a chance.”