Researchers from the University of Nowhere You’ve Ever Heard Of have announced they have broken the recorded, previously held by hagfish, for the slipperiest substance known. The paper, published in this week’s edition of The Banana Peel- a non-peer reviewed journal usually read by apes and men in the waiting rooms of gynecologists- stated that their discovery will revolutionize several industries and make the discovers very rich. Scientists had been aware of the existence of the slippery stuff prior to the paper but had never been able to get a record of it to stand up to the scrutiny level of the slippery substance community which is known as a level Simga-3.23145767552 or “Holy Shit, that’s close.” The substance is named “ability to follow up on things that were made before the people elected your stupid ass” or, more commonly, political integrity- Pi for even shorter (not to be confused with the magical number that maintains the proper ratio for my waistline as it becomes an ever-expanding circle).
Scientists stated that the new material has many potential uses such as coatings for hypersonic aircraft, bowling alley lanes, non-stick cooking utensils (bring on those blueberry muffins), and this reporter’s personal favorite- the supersonic slip-n-slide- because nothing is better than breaking the sound barrier on a thin sheet of plastic, followed slicing yourself to the bone on the stake at the bottom. When contacted a source who wasn’t authorized to answer the phone stated that they overheard the researchers mention that the substance had to be captured quickly since it disappears as quickly as it forms. Things are particularly threatening to Pi include foreign wars, extra-marital affairs, pictures sent by cell phone, and actually getting elected. In light of this researchers are scrambling to gather enough of Pi, as it sure to disappear again over Congressional discussions concerning the proper way to kill your own citizens, followed by whether we shouldn’t blow up a few of them while the opportunity is still there. This reporter is honestly still stuck on the part about the slip-n-slide.
Women are said to excited about the new development as a lubricant for certain invasive ultrasound procedures. When polled, men said they still would avoid those “for men over 50” procedures that lead to all the best jokes.
In unrelated news, my insurance agent just called to cancel my policy regarding water-based accidents, I didn’t know they were the one who was reading this whole time. I’m so embarrassed.
That’s all for now fearless reader(s), stay strong and dream of day when your biscuits won’t stick no matter how much you burn them.
The T-shirt sale is winding down, get in there and get them while they cost far less than the raise you’ll get for wearing them to work. They live right there on the Shop for Killer stuff tab. Now available in a ton of colors which the website lets you model before purchase. Enjoy.