Ask Dr. Steve- because if he doesn’t know the answer, there isn’t one 9/20/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

It has come to my attention that you are far too obsessed with yourself and that you lack the qualifications necessary to run an advice column such as this. How on Earth do you expect people to fix their problems with the mindless drivel you produce? Good grief, you actually interviewed a pigeon, and you call yourself a doctor? I think it’s time you face reality and admit that you really should stick to making coffee.


Stop what you are doing 

Dear doing,

So you’re telling me that the ability to speak pigeon isn’t worthy of your time? Maybe you should stick to your day job, inventing sign language for the blind…. (Editor’s note: If there are any blind people reading this please skip to the next letter, we mean no harm.)

Dear Dr. Steve,

My dog told me that the world is coming to a new beginning in which only those he approves of will survive. He was actually kind enough to remove my Dog Voice Blocking Headgear™ so he could relay this message. To prove myself worthy I have to kill and eat three people in my apartment building this week. He’s got a pretty good sense of humor, should I really believe him?


I hear dogs

Dear Hear,

You speak dog? Could you hold off your buffet long enough to ask my dog what the hell she wants when she does this?:

 fergs wants something

I know she’s not out to eat me or anything, but it’s clear she really wants to tell me something. I hate it when she gets stressed. Let me know if you can make it.

Dear Dr. Steve,

Do you believe in ghosts? I’m sure an ancient spirit has been visiting me and tries to tell me something. Every few months, my phone rings and a gravelly voice asks me information about my bank account. Then, my money will be gone. I think it’s a long dead monk who wants me to live poverty so that I may seek out the true meaning of life. It sounds appealing, that huge trust fund just looms over me oppressively anyway. I’d be better off without. Thoughts?


Astral pen pal

Dear pen,

What is your phone number, I think this is best discussed vocally…

That’s all for now faithful reader(s). Drop me an email for enlightenment at I’ll straighten you out.

4 thoughts on “Ask Dr. Steve- because if he doesn’t know the answer, there isn’t one 9/20/13

    • She has a patience issue. She will give a little bark to say something is desired. If you don’t respond right away she moves on to more active attention getting activities. i guess this was the way she felt she could look me in the eye and plead her case. She makes great conversation sometimes…

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