Latest re-occurring crisis: US Government will shut down in eight days if no deal is reached

In a surprise to no one who has had a heartbeat in the last several years, the federal government is again at crossroads over the budget. Again we see the usual threats of a government shut down if there is no money to pay the bills- leading to a sure default on the money we owe to people who hate us. It seems the problem lies between the parties being at opposite ends of the spectrum on nearly everything. House Republicans insist that any budget deal come with the repeal of Obamacare- for the 43rd time. Senate Democrats, on the other hand, wish to cure the American people of the various social ills such as working for a living and eradicating rich people- excepting themselves of course. The battle is sure to get heated with sides being so far apart. The impending failure to get anything done is set to reach its nadir on October 1, which a Tuesday. This reporter takes great satisfaction in knowing that those losers in DC can’t even get themselves out of working a Monday. The looming shut down is particularly troubling for the regular crowd of government leeches such as federal workers, the postal service, the military, disabled people, old people, and retired federal politicians. This newshound cannot fathom poor, poor Jimmy Carter going without his Raisin Bran and toast due to the lack of diligence from his successors. All of his great body of work crumbling down before his eyes… It is heart-rending for the elderly as well, as they came from a generation who believed in silly things, like government promises, reliability, accountability, and Richard Nixon. These aging baby boomers spent freely, always believing in those social safety nets like Social Security and Medicare would be there when they grew too old to be of any use anymore (besides babysitting grandchildren, and now they’ll probably expect those kids to bring their own food). Now we all know that both sides are just holding the weak hostage like Somali terrorists with smart phones and Twitter accounts. There will be a stunning agreement to delay any real decision until the next century while freeing up enough money to continue bribing Pakistan not house our enemies. The elderly who did not suffer from strokes or heart failure due to the stress of cooking tuna in a can over a candle while trying not to starve to death will be able to go back to their prunes and The Price is Right like nothing ever happened and we can get back to concentrating on awards shows and reality television. Stay strong fearless readers, we know they have our best interests in their heart.