Classifieds 7/18/15

For sale:

One hand sized antique rock. The plain grey surface has weathered beautifully to create a smooth surface. The overall shape reminds me of an egg. It is of high quality craftsmanship, they don’t make them like this anymore. Get it before my bratty neighbor kid throws it through my recently replaced living room window. $5 (234) 234-2345

Missing:

The reason I got out of bed this morning. If found please return to Cleveland Browns fan club headquarters.

ISO:

An empty field for my wife to park in. My truck, the garbage can, the neighbor kids, the cat, and the garage door can take no more. Price depends on emptiness. Any shrub or tree is a threat. (576) 789-2356

Want to buy:

Struggling writer searching for a cabin in the mountains. No money but could offer a deal on future royalties. Must have no distractions. Total peace is must. Cabin should have internet access, satellite TV, a hot tub, wet bar, and a microwave. Hot lonely neighbor chick is a plus. (340) 347-3458

Male seeking female:

Tall, dark, handsome billionaire ISO SWF, 38-28-36, blonde, lingerie model to share majestic nights on the French Riviera, must enjoy fine wine, gourmet food, and be dumb enough to believe this ad. #34589

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