No Intelligent Life Found on Pluto

As the New Horizon spacecraft continues to send back stunning images of the planet/not-planet/there-goes-my-childhood world of Pluto, scientists have decided there is no evidence of intelligent life on the frozen world. Aside from a heart (or Mickey Mouse) shaped formation, Pluto is barren of anything else Disney would plunder for a movie. While this news is disheartening for many who wished to find a respite from the unintelligent life we have here, one particular group is ecstatic about the news.

Politicians from both sides of the aisle are flocking to annex the dwarf planet as our 51st state, leapfrogging longtime applicants Puerto Rico, Guam, and Canada. Presidential hopefuls took to the airwaves announcing their support for any unintelligent voters the world may support. Yes fearless reader(s), your dedicated one-man news agency managed to cover all political press conferences at once and gleaned some snippets on the candidate’s opinions.

Donald Trump: As long as they’ve never been captured, they may worship me.

Jeb Bush: I’d never give arms to them. How many legs do they have though? Might be able to work something out there…

Hillary Clinton: They need a hand up. Let us share our national wealth and surplus with these less fortunate Plutonians. In return they may want to share their votes with me….

Bernie Sanders: Can we get them jobs? Do they belong to a union? There’s just so much we need to know.

Such a move is bound to be contested by our closest allies. In fact, TNRNB has contacted some sources who wish to remain anonymous due to the sensitive nature of them getting fired. Your number one news source always comes through.

Germany: This is an outrage and shameless land grab. Such a move would extend the U.S. sovereign rights to the entire solar system.

France: We will resist any attempts by the U.S. to lay claim to an entire planet. As long as we don’t actually have to anything besides talk about it

Canada: eh?

Iran: Did somebody say Plutonium???

That’s all for now fearless reader(s), stay strong as your tireless newshound scours the airwaves for more stories you won’t read anyway.

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