In an instance that is sure to cause some heads to be scratched, the index that carries the stocks of tech giants such as Apple, Microsoft, Ebay, Yahoo, and more recently Facebook had to shut down over technology problems. This reporter would like to think it is directly connected to this morning’s announcement that the New York Times had purchased The Not Really News Blog, but the two of you that read it are probably not to blame. While exactly what is going on is uncertain, we here at The Blog are relatively sure that the general public is still being efficiently screwed. This reporter knows of no means, legal or otherwise, that would keep the exchanges from royally sticking it to the common man. So don’t Continue reading
In what is sure to be a shock to everyone who reads it, TNRNB has agreed to sell the entire to blog to the New York Times, as a front-page blog no less, for a record-breaking sum. Calling the acquisition the “most unbiased, hard-hitting, and accurate reporting since the invention of the dart board,” NYT proudly linked to their new property in bold, 14-point font. The Not Really News Blog has crushed the competition lately with stories ranging from the wiretapping of Al-Qaeda to yesterday’s slamming of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un over ski lifts. With the rapid decline of print news, it is no surprise that NYT went out and made this acquisition, “it gave us another reader,” according to an unnamed source deep within NYT headquarters. While the sales price hasn’t been officially announced, it is understood to be a record, reportedly rounding out at Continue reading
The competition amongst fast food chains is always a dog fight but a startling new trend has surfaced in logo redesigns lately- gang signs. In Wendy’s first new logo in almost thirty years, the word “MOM” appears to be spelled out in the ruffles of her neckline. Now this could be: A) a total accident, B) a hidden homage to the founder’s daughter C) a cryptic message to Wendy’s gangland enforcers “Westside Wendy’s.” It doesn’t sound scary, at first, when one pictures a herd of red haired, frosty packing little girls roaming the inner city streets looking to product a brand. But the deeper reality is people kill over these things, authorities are now re-examining Aaron Hernandez’s tattoos for the word “MOM.” But this reporter broke the real code. When you turn the image upside down, it says “WOW,” and THAT’S where things get ugly. “WOW” is an acronym for “War on World,” according to gang expert MC Donald. “WOW is literally a signal to start bustin’ caps, yo. Homies be like, we gunna kick ass and make burgers- and we be all outta buns, yo.” Startling discoveries in the land of the square patty. Continue reading
The McDonalds of coffee is on the wrong side of a lawsuit filed in Manhattan over discrimination against deaf customers. Workers not only mocked the speech and communication patterns of the deaf group who met at the coffeehouse once a month, but also called police to have them removed from the premises. Twelve members of Deaf Chat Coffee are listed as plaintiffs in the suit. When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Seattle based company stated,” Discrimination of any kind at Starbucks in unacceptable. We take these allegations very seriously and believe that they are neither in line with our values nor our track record of engaging the deaf community as partners and as customers.” While this reporter is ignorant of any “Starbucks coffee for the hearing impaired” program, he is certain that we will all know of one very soon. While this case is merit, and will most likely end in a few lost jobs and a nod to those who live in a world of silence, it seems astounding that this case truly even exists. Now hold on suddenly angry reader(s), allow for an explanation. EVERYONE OVER THE AGE OF 25 KNOWS STARBUCKS WORKERS ARE RUDE, IMPATIENT PEOPLE. I think it is one of the job requirements, along with adaptability to foreign coffee languages. And massive piercings.
Starbucks has long offered consistency on a level known to very companies throughout the history of the universe. Your coffee will always taste the same, no matter where or when you get it. And the service with that coffee will always be rotten, no matter when or where you get it. Your tireless newshound risked his life and sanity to test this hypothesis by stopping at every Starbucks within 25 miles of his house. (It took three weeks just to go four blocks). What he found seems to support the above statements. Surly hipsters with earlobes that Asiana pilots could successfully land a plane through, dispensing coffee with borderline malice. Nearly every time this bladder bursting media maven received his “triple grande caramel mocha with a little extra caramel not too hot sauces only please™,” said “not too hot” beverage was a mere five degrees hotter than ball lightning requiring it to be triple cupped and coated in 65 of those sleeve things that fill up the floorboards of every commuter’s car in the land. Thousands of trees had to die just contain each drink. I haven’t slept in days and I can actually see the individual atoms that make up my keyboard. The things I go through to deliver quality reporting may be the death of me yet. Stay strong reader(s), someday you’ll get your coffee delivered with a smile somewhere besides McDonalds.
In a shocking story, a Chinese woman, Ma Ailun, 23, has been reportedly electrocuted by answering her charging iPhone 5. Apple is investigation the charge, which appears to have some validity. The tech giant has had a rough time in the Chinese market, battling warranty issues and workers killing themselves. The only way things could get any worse is if AT&T branched out into the country. All those dropped calls and WiFi slowdowns might be enough to start riots in the volatile country. An attempt to reach Apple’s highest ranking official in the country resulted in our carrier pigeon being shot down forcing The Not Really News Blog to resort to less secure means of communication. However, attempts to reach the official by phone fractured due to dropped calls on our end (damn you AT&T). We have sent them a letter via USPS, expect a follow up story in March. Ma was a flight attendant who was engaged to be married next month.
An Apple spokesman was reached in the US. “We are deeply saddened to learn of this tragic incident and offer our condolences to the Ma family,” Apple told Reuters in an email. “We will fully investigate and cooperate with authorities in this matter.”
A carrier pigeon was able to penetrate Apple’s US headquarters to reach a TNRNB source who of course has no authorization to say or do anything fun so will remain anonymous, “Apple is really startled by this development. The workers dying left and right are bad enough, we can’t afford for customers to jump on the bandwagon too. The board of directors are scrambling to find out why the iPhone 5 battery has so many dramatic side effects. We knew about the intense heat and fires, but electrocution might be a deal breaker.”
Another possibility is that the phone was a fake to begin with. Knock-offs are a major industry in China selling both inside and beyond its borders. Our source states, “The chances of this being a knock off are tremendous. The shops are astoundingly good over there. It’s not uncommon for us to submit a few months payroll to some of them before realizing they don’t even work for us.”
In other news, the Android market has risen slightly, reflecting the lightning-fast effects of the media on today’s consumers. This story will be updated as more information comes in. Please check back four or five times an hour just to be safe, we wouldn’t want you to miss anything.
In recent shopping news, Nordstrom has admitted to tracking customer’s WiFi signal emanating from their smartphones as they meandered through the store. In a move right out of the Patriot Act, Nordstrom and other stores used the signals to see how customer movements “flowed through the store” in order to “better serve you™.” While no data was taken that could single out any one single shopper, much data in the way different people shop was gathered. The retailer has an interest in whether lighting, layouts, positioning, or any of myriad variables could influence how people spend their time within its walls.
In a rare treat for my faithful reader(s), this reporter was able to gain access to this data through one of his many secret sources (thanks Tom). Now this reporter is no stranger to the land of variables and extrapolation. In college, he did his fair share of extrapolating, and showing it to people. So what I’ve done here is pull out the shoppers who only went into the store for ONE (1) item. Singular. Uno. I them separated them by gender. What is revealed may change the way people view people forever (and then some). It is a stunning difference of how people shop for ONE (1) item. I give you how men shop:
What we see is a quick, efficient, in and out purchase. The entire process only took 35 minutes. The actual purchase part was ten minutes but checking out one’s figure in the bathroom mirror was an additional 25 minutes, give or take the time to actually use the restroom for its intended purpose.
Now we see how women shop for ONE (1) single item:
What we have here is a far different picture (as if the caption didn’t tell you that). Women, on average spend three and a half WEEKS shopping for ONE(1) single item.
In another top secret interview with my source, Tom said that the study showed Nordstrom will have to upgrade in several areas, most of which center around husbands and children of female shoppers (boyfriends are too spineless to say anything so they suffer). Future store renovations will include, a restaurant, sleeping quarters, a small preschool, and a site specific semi-pro football team to quell unrest amongst husbands who figure out that television run on a “loop” display. While none of this may come as a surprise to any man who’s heard the words “let’s run in here for a minute,” it appears to have been news to Big Retail- who’s out of touch with reality anyway. Stay strong reader(s), help is on the way.