Classifieds 7/18/15

For sale:

One hand sized antique rock. The plain grey surface has weathered beautifully to create a smooth surface. The overall shape reminds me of an egg. It is of high quality craftsmanship, they don’t make them like this anymore. Get it before my bratty neighbor kid throws it through my recently replaced living room window. $5 (234) 234-2345


The reason I got out of bed this morning. If found please return to Cleveland Browns fan club headquarters.


An empty field for my wife to park in. My truck, the garbage can, the neighbor kids, the cat, and the garage door can take no more. Price depends on emptiness. Any shrub or tree is a threat. (576) 789-2356

Want to buy:

Struggling writer searching for a cabin in the mountains. No money but could offer a deal on future royalties. Must have no distractions. Total peace is must. Cabin should have internet access, satellite TV, a hot tub, wet bar, and a microwave. Hot lonely neighbor chick is a plus. (340) 347-3458

Male seeking female:

Tall, dark, handsome billionaire ISO SWF, 38-28-36, blonde, lingerie model to share majestic nights on the French Riviera, must enjoy fine wine, gourmet food, and be dumb enough to believe this ad. #34589

Obituaries 8/18/13

Ima Groaner (September 8, 1953 – August 10, 2013)

Miss Groaner finally passed away surrounded by deaf people who never understood what she was saying. While anyone who knew her very well managed to avoid her during the last 55 years, it is anticipated that her funeral will be standing room only as hordes of well-wishers say their final goodbyes. Miss Groaner was a lifelong hypochondriac and world record holding endurance talker. Her monologues Continue reading

Legal disclosure that I should have made long ago

Dear Readers,

It has occurred to me that, despite my best intentions to bring the most complete, reliable, transparent news blog on this planet (I’ll conquer the rest later), I’ve failed to be as transparent and upfront as I should be. That’s right, I haven’t published a disclosure of pertinent information that explains any conflicts of interest or outside influences that hold sway on what I publish for you guys to ignore. I’m rectifying that right now, I no longer wish to feel like such an Obama. You will now have all the facts, here goes:  Continue reading

Classifieds 8/12/13

For sale or trade:

One gently used toilet. Except for that day we hosted a chili cook off, it really got a workout that time. All original lid, seat and tank. Factory flappy thing in tank, exit hole bored .030″ inch over for added flush power. Off white with pearl flames. First $50 takes it or trade for a Continue reading

Classifieds 7/14/13

Free puppies-

Free to good home 8 week old mix breeds. 1 male 4 reproducers. Our dog, the mother, is a purebred, champion-bloodline, competition Pomeranian. The father, our neighbor’s dog, is a sneaky, mutt-bastard escape artist. Call for availability 867-5309

Need a commuter car-

ISO- Honda, Toyota, or other economical Japanese car. Must have clean title, no issues, no body damage, sun roof, air conditioning, leather interior, and power everything. Low miles are also a must. I am a poor college girl. Top price $750. Only serious offers will be considered. 987-1234

Wife forces sale-

2005 18′ Blue Water. I/O super-fast, set up to fish, ski, sun bathe and get drunk in. Perfect in every way. No issues. Except the wife forgot to take her pill and now we need a minivan. $5000 or trade for something with sliding doors. No tow rope, I may hang myself with it. 789-4321

Male seeking Female-

Soon to be SWM ISO SWF. Humorous, fun loving, short fat guy who enjoys long, romantic walks to the fridge seeks woman who won’t make him give up writing satire on a free blog to go get a real job. Cooking ability a plus but not necessary. Please include a contract of no job nagging in your response. My name is not Steve #6879

1982 Honda CR 80-

It broke down all the time then, it’ll break down all the time now. But, if you’re one of those guys who thinks everything was better when you were young then is the bike for you- Until you realize you’re too fat to ride it. It’s an antique- $350 678-5432

Yard sale this weekend-

Stupid lazy husband won’t get a job and is trying to replace his wife. He won’t make any money on his blog so his stuff goes on the market while he’s away. Stop by and make an offer on the pile in the driveway. It won’t last long since he’s moving once he gets home. Fri 10-5 Sat 9-4 Steve’s house