As TNRNB reader(s) are well aware, this reporter HATES to use The Blog for self-promotion of any kind, but since the sampler of my future work of literary genius was released this morning, the reviews have been pouring in (my head). I felt it was only right to share some these reviews with the people who make this site such a stark raving success and a leader amongst quickly written posts that go largely ignored. Not just anyone can say that folks. I’ve trimmed the list to spare bandwidth as the reviews are numerous and, at times, lengthy. Read on faithful followers and bask in our shared dominance of all things pheasant. Continue reading
Today we have a special column just for the devoted reader(s) of The Not Really News Blog, a summarized sneak peak of the book of the century. A book nearly 40 years in the making, my return to the place of my childhood, all chronicled and ready for release some time before I die, I give you “Running Naked With Pheasants.” Continue reading
As the final weekend of summer coincides with renewed military activity in a new chunk of Middle Eastern turf, it brings about thoughts of loyalties and allegiances in life. Here at TNRNB headquarters, we believe in the basic inalienable rights; life, liberty, coffee, and the pursuit of bacon. We also realize that this great country of ours makes it possible to do that through a little used document once known as the Constitution and it’s little buddy/ conjoined twin the Bill of Rights. We are also aware that other countries are not as fortunate as we are to have this often Continue reading
In a movie release that is sure to finally bridge the gap between man, pheasant, and news reporting once and for all, “Of Birds and Men” will be released on Thanksgiving 2013. The script has been based on the real life story of Steve Kallio was raised by a flock of benevolent ring-necked pheasants in the wild lands of south-west Washington state. It will chronicle his meteoric rise from statue squatter to media mogul. It is inspiring to all who meet him to learn how he overcame such bizarre childhood circumstances to develop an almost cult-like following in which people seem to flock to him from all corners of the world. The movie will be an unauthorized autobiography Continue reading
Here at TNRNB, we strive to bring you the most cutting edge and honest reporting to be found anywhere on the Internet. We also try to do it in a way that brings a smile to the face of our reader(s) because, well, it drives up the word count faster so we can get back to the really important things, like Candy Crush (note: this reporter does not play Candy Crush or any other Facebook spawned games- although that Jurassic Park one is weakening my resolve). Over the weekend, our staff took time to look deeply into the direction our posts were taking (okay, I went Continue reading
Well faithful reader(s), summer is winding down and the dog days of August bring us those warm nights that have “let there be festivals” written all over them. Blue festivals, car shows, wine festivals, and, most importantly, the Society for Creative Anachronism festivals are all making their rounds and providing us with an opportunity for being drunk in a multitude of ways. The staff here at The Blog (okay, me) decided we would cover a few dos and don’ts to blend in with such diverse crowds. Continue reading
In a pair of shocking Friday celeb developments, Beyonce got a haircut and Chris Brown reportedly had a seizure. At first glance, it would seem strange that these two could be linked but, this reporter has a source within the house (obviously nameless) who was vacuuming the carpet when Brown had his episode. The source states, “he just yelled ‘she looks manlier then me again!!!’ and then had a seizure.” This is a very strong rumor as the “Brown camp” (sounds like a team from those old Army men games) stated that heavy stress was at the root of Brown’s latest issue. It is also believable that she could look manlier, given her appearance during her recent Super Bowl halftime show, and this is where things get crazy. Before this major revelation unfolds, this reporter would like to ask, has anyone ever seen Alex Rodriguez and Beyonce in the same room? Continue reading
When Jaws hit the big screen there was no doubt who the scariest predator on the planet was. Nearly every shark attack ever has been blasted across the media like some kind of Florida “Stand Your Ground” case. Now, in the shark’s darkest hour, PETA secretly tries to sway public opinion about the “George Zimmerman of the sea©”. After subverting those who make programming type decisions at the Discovery Channel, PETA quickly began pointing how many more sharks die at the hand of man than vice versa. It is your fearless reporter’s opinion that these people obviously believe that “Sharknado” was for entertainment purposes only. Boy were they wrong. There was no entertain or purpose what-so-ever there. Continue reading
Proving sequestering, like a federal filibuster, isn’t what it used to be ,the jurors in the George Zimmerman murder trial were allowed to go bowling and shop at the mall. They were also allowed to go to the Ripley’s Believe It or Not! Museum where they were undoubtedly an exhibit. In a trial that made waves in just about every way possible, from racial tension to racial confusion to the fact that it ever existed at all, the idea that a jury for a reasonably short trial (for its kind) could cost over $30,000 might be the penultimate head scratcher.
This reporter may not be a judicial expert but it seems that sequestering means to “lock away,” not “send out to remake “Ferris Beuller’s Day Off.” A trial of overwhelming media saturation would seem to call for a tightly guarded jury in any state but Florida. This would appear to open the door for a multitude of appeals and potentially threaten Juror B37’s book deal. Now how is that fair to “judiciary capitalism®.” It is mind-boggling, and more than a little comforting, that a juror’s own actions could screw her out of millions for all six pages of her story. But the world will never know what was truly discussed in that jury room- not unless the world wants to stitch the hundreds of interviews, news reports, blog posts, and satirical snobbery that will flow over the next two weeks.
However, thanks to several high profile cases lately, Florida is in the running for most true crime novels, biographies, and (my favorite) unauthorized biographies. In fact, borrowing a punch line for the comic strip “Get Fuzzy,” Florida may soon break the record for the most unauthorized auto-biographies. This reporter isn’t complaining folks, after all this is what keeps him busy, makes him the big bucks, brings in the bacon, lets him forget he isn’t getting paid a dime for this. I can already see that huge ad for Nike or Microsoft, maybe even Wal-Mart, but more than likely- Uncle Bill’s Fried Wiener Bits: The wiener with a crunch. Don’t mock it, everything started somewhere. We’ll get there. TNRNB and Uncle Bill’s may end up being the greatest partnership since Watson and Crick or Gates and Paul Allen or Phil Knight and China. Great things come to those who are in the right place at the right time not those who really put effort into anything, which is why I do almost no fact checking so I can fit in. Stay strong faithful reader(s), maybe you,’ll get an all-expense paid jury duty vacation sometime soon.
In what, on the surface, appears to be a “feel good story about a young couple who doesn’t know any better meeting a hero©,” Dave Matthews was picked up by concert goers en route to HIS concert and given a ride to the venue. Matthews was riding his bike to the show when he experienced a flat tire. The fans saw him, stopped, and the rest is viral news story/blip on the radar history. What a wonderful story- not. Folks, this is just another case of a major “celebrity” flaunting their disregard of all things “legal.” Hitchhiking is illegal folks, yet where most of us would have a citation waiting for us at the end of the trip, Mr. Matthews enjoys free publicity. Did he really not pack a spare tube or repair kit? Can he not just whip out his phone and call for his limo like the rest of us? It certainly appears HE doesn’t need to. What a shame. This is what our country has come to, celebrity rule- kind of like martial law only with more rehab.
Further, this story reflects the growing issue of profiling that has swept the country, from faux airline pilot names to the ethnicity of a man accused of the murder of an unarmed teen, this has become a real problem in our society. My wife went out to grab the paper this morning, fresh out of the shower, with a towel on her head- three people dove behind their garbage cans. Now she may not exactly shine before her makeup is on but come on folks, she’s not going to suicide bomb anyone’s mailbox.
Further complicating matters is the subject of profiling. Mr. Matthew’s “rock star look” is pretty clean cut and all-American. He looks more like a late 80s John Cougar-Mellencamp or present day Eddie Vetter than a wild rocker. This makes him much more “pickupable©,” it appears, than, oh say, a real rock star who looks like a rock star like “Weird Al” Yankovich or Morbid Angel. Profiling has led to civil rights movements, legislation, and the re-election of a certain Arizona sheriff. I guess it remains to be seen if this will add to his teenie bopper image or pull him down like a Bieber in a mosh pit (not much of a life span there).
Dave Matthews (via Google Search):
Slipknot (via Google Search):
You tell me who these “rock fans” were going to pick up.
Reader(s), we have to take our country back from the celebs who dictate what laws do or do not apply to them like a Senator with a Twitter account. This is our land and it is our dollars that we waste to go to the events, be they movies or concerts, that make these people celebrities- except for the Kardashians, and Paris Hilton, nobody’s really sure what’s going on there. Stay strong reader(s), and demand that our rock stars look like freaks and follow the law, the way it should be.
In television news, Wal-Mart has cut ties with Paula Deen. That someone from the South could be considered too low class for Wal-Mart seemed about as likely as a Republican at a women’s rights demonstration just a week ago. The speed of Ms. Deen’s fall is mind boggling. In related news, Martha Stewart is giving Wal-Mart stock a “buy” status. This reporter always considers Martha to be well informed about these things. Retirement invested.
And now, a comic book is due out in the fall, centering on the disgraced chef. Whether it touches on her recent struggles remains to be seen, it appears to have been in the works long before her racist remarks surfaced. If this reporter gets a chance to contribute, or even make suggestions, he will be sure that the cover has drawn in a super hero cape, balancing a bag of sugar and a pound of butter in one hand, and an insulin syringe in the other. Bluewater Productions, produces female celebrity-driven comic books and has partnered in the past with notable female celebrities such as Ellen DeGeneres and William Shatner (not my joke, but it does explain some of those older Star Trek episodes). Deen will receive no money from sales of the book, instead a portion of the money goes to a charity of her choice (I will write the nature of that charity on a piece of paper, seal it in an envelope and await the announcement of what it is).