Fearless reader(s), the market is set to make the run of lifetime on the news of website Ashley Madison’s hacking. Your tireless newshound has scoured the markets to see how TNRNB’s reader(s)-this one’s for you Jim- can profit from the turmoil sure to be caused by the imminent release of the names, pictures, and account info of 37 million cheating weasels (unless you’re one of the cheating weasels, in which case we say, thanks for the millions we’re about to make). While many may argue that the site deserves what gets just weeks before its Initial Public Offering was to be initially offered, The Not Really News staff believes the site was merely capitalizing on a market created by people who were going to cheat anyway (just as we are about to capitalize on them). The coming days of uncertainty should result in elevated sales of common over the counter items manufactured by publicly owned companies.
Johnson & Johnson ($JNJ), maker of Rolaids, will most likely set record profits as nerve wracked adulterers seek to sooth their roiling stomachs. Proctor & Gamble ($PG), owner of the Pepto-Bismol brand should see movement for all the same reasons.
Unilever ($UN), maker of Degree deodorant, should also see increased units flying off the shelves as cheaters battle to save the pits of their collective shirts.
For longer term investors, GlaxoSmithKline ($GSK), makers of Polident denture adhesive, should see a steady rise as the wives of some 18.5 million cheating husbands perform some home tooth extraction upon their straying spouses.
TNRNB has received no compensation for this article from any company named within this article (nor any compensation from anyone really… ever). The afore mention forward looking statements are exactly that and buyers should complete their own due diligence research before listening to a guy who couldn’t hit a winning stock if it was donated to him. TNRNB will not be held liable for any losses (probably won’t get a tip for any gains either) nor for any injuries caused by inspiration in the forecasts above.
On a side note, any divorce lawyers looking for advertising space, please contact us in the comments below. I’m sure we can make room to help reach the tidal wave of clients about to head your way (for a price, this is a financial article you know).
Stay strong fearless readers, economic recovery is on the way.
One further bit of financial advice from the guru’s at TNRNB, if you’re about to be exposed, you may want to limit your portfolio until after the divorce….