New Handheld Device can Turn off Pain for Surgeons

Well fearless reader(s) your tireless newshound has become tireless again. TNRNB hopes that we haven’t lost too many readers during our absence (one is too many since that’s all we had to begin with) but things got hectic (I got a job) and adjustments needed to be made. Fear not, however, your comma abusing reporter and his bevy of covert carrier pigeons have returned to bring you the cutting edge of news you never cared about before (and probably still don’t) In our triumphant return to glory we bring you a story that can’t possibly go wrong.
Science has breached new barriers with this powerful new tool in pain management. No more do we have to worry about doctors implanting some kind of scary computers onto the wrong nerve (besides the obvious part about doctors implanting things into us to begin with), this handy little monster can find just the right nerve for proper pain killing. We here at TNRNB find this to be a huge relief as before this Orwellian beast was invented only a handful of surgeons were capable of performing such a surgery, but now anyone will be able to do it- such as your primary care provider, a LPN, or your local neighborhood ice cream truck driver (no more headaches!!!). The possibilities are endless (and probably not covered under Obamacare).
Your reporter feels that he should share in a cut of the profits due to the fact that he most likely inspired the quest to turn off pain, after all, he’s been able to turn off his wife for years (without invasive surgery). Any proceeds from this device without royalty payments to yours truly will be a true demonstration of the kind of corporate greed that formed me to actually get a job to begin with. We’ll be keeping a close eye on developments and talk with our attorney if need be- if he’s still alive.
Stay strong fearless reader(s), we’re back and better than ever (not hard to do). It’s election time and the candidates alone should provide plenty of material for everyone’s favorite news reporter.

Health – never date an angry midget (dictator)

North Korea has reportedly executed Kim Jong-Un’s ex-girlfriend, by firing squad no less. No one ever said dating the creepy dictator of a third (going on fourth) world country was easy, but the staff here at The Blog finds this to border on the extreme. After some reflecting, we felt that it may be necessary to cover a few dating tips to avoid things like this happening to any of our faithful (or even unfaithful, cheating, sneaking around on us) readers. It’s a rough world out there and no one knows that better than those of us considered leaders of the media. We see and hear things that would send the toughest Boy Scout to a corner, cringing and drooling. We believe that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of… of… of something Continue reading

Health-3 Ways to not be as ugly as you presently are (formerly known as beauty tips)

Many simple, healthy sounding formulas for becoming less ugly are found all over the Internet and seem to plague Facebook more than most places. This reporter felt it was time to move some of these tips to one place for easier “un-uglifying©” yourself. It has not escaped attention that many of these formulae (I love –ae endings) are very slow to produce results so, in total TNRNB fashion, a second and more- immediate- option is available.

  1. Facial hair removal cream: Continue reading

Women’s health- black market buttocks injections

Thanks to the nefarious rants and ravings of Sir Mix-A-Lot and others who followed in his trend setting wake, women’s black market buttock enlarging injections are on the rise. That’s right folks while so many women are starving themselves, living in gyms, and suing Sketchers® for making them look stupid, in order to slim down and fighting creeping butt size there is a number of women who are pursuing back alley cosmetic work to increase the surface area of the badonkadonk. While this may seem strange to some, after duckface, nothing surprises this reporter anymore. “Injectors” charge less than half of what a trained medical professional would ask for in cash, although the complications- which can include loss of limbs, blood poisoning, death, and an ass made of concrete- drive the final total far higher for black market procedures. Ladies, please use better judgment when falling for crazy cosmetic fads, some of these things are very serious. We here at TNRNB worry about you and so we have compiled the following checklist in order to make choosing your cosmetic enhancement specialist easier, safer, and even faster (since you don’t need a secret password to hire them if you do it right).  Continue reading

Breastfeeding reaches 77% of new moms in the US according to the CDC- FBI arrests 50% of the CDC

In what bodes well for the future of children throughout the country and promises to spark more debate with prudes over boobs in public, the rate of new moms who breastfeed their infants has risen to 77%. Breastfeeding has a multitude of benefits, ranging from strong immune systems to possibly yielding smarter children- with the greatest benefits being those memes of babies with funny looks on their faces talking about boobs- those are great. Breastfeeding has faced many hurdles since the world because a prude-filled hate factory. There was a time when some doctors alluded that formulas might be easier to digest and have nutritional kickbacks (I meant values, I really did). However, the biggest threat to mothers’ ability to breastfeed has been the inconvenience of leaving the home. Much to the chagrin of men everywhere, some members of society frown on a breast being revealed in public, even partially, in order for a mother to feed her child. This saddens your faithful newshound that mothers are not able to do the best thing for their babies. While it is true that most of these complainers are mothers with young, but no longer nursing, children there was a guy who complained once but he was beaten senseless by a pack of construction workers and lost the ability to speak.  Continue reading

Cooking- the old recipes are always the best

My family on my mother’s side is old German. Or olde German (olde means really, really old), or Prussian, or Austrian, or something like that. As I was going through some old(e) family boxes I came across an a very old(e!) cookbook. Now sometimes these kind of recipes call for bizarre things like oxen bladder or something made from sheep intestines. This cake seemed to be a family favorite and I was stunned to find it dated back to the 1400’s. It seems back then it was customary to make things in epic proportions so as to be able to have leftovers for days. While I wonder about the authenticity of the recipe (I’ve had some jokers in the woodpile), I felt it was worth sharing with the world. The following cake recipe may need adjusted to fit your own family’s consumption needs.

Great, great, great, great, great grandmother’s (twice-removed) cake of champions:

10 cups sifted cake flour

14 teaspoons baking powder

4 teaspoons salt

12 egg whites

6 cups white sugar

2 3/4 cups butter

4 cups milk

4 teaspoon vanilla extract

3 teaspoon almond extract

2 eight year old children

Directions

  1. Fatten children in cages with candy and confections until plump- roast in wood fired oven until done, let cool
  2. Measure sifted cake flour, baking powder, and salt; sift together three times.
  3. In a mixing bowl, beat egg whites until foamy. Add 5 cups sugar gradually, and continue beating only until meringue will hold up in soft peaks.
  4. Beat butter until smooth. Gradually add remaining 1 cup sugar, and cream together until light and fluffy. Add sifted ingredients alternately with milk a small amount at a time, beating after each addition until smooth. Mix in flavorings. Add meringue, and mix thoroughly into batter. Spread batter over roasted children in a pan which has been lined on the bottom with parchment paper.
  5. Bake at 350 degrees F (175 degrees C) for 30 to 35 minutes. Cool cake in pan 10 minutes, then remove from pan and transfer to a wire rack to finish cooling.

As stated I haven’t tried this recipe myself so if you do please leave comments below rating it. If it’s been in the family this long, I assume it must be pretty good, although it sounds a little fattening. I just can’t believe I’ve never heard of it before.

It’s small town fair time again- how to protect yourself

That’s right folks it’s mid-summer botulism season again. A time that is critical to developing a young child’s immune system, a time of health department-free, unregulated food sales, and mostly a time to buy stock in portable outhouse rental agencies. Small town fair time offers a few distractions such as a parade, maybe a few rides, and food cooked in converted travel trailers owned by fraternal brotherhoods named after scary animals (like moose). However majestic this may all sound, this time of year offers some health threats that may cut your festivities short, or at least send you to stew in the sauna-like environs of a port-a-potty. Here are some tips to keep you from spending your weekend hugging porcelain:

  1. Don’t touch anything. Touches lead to germ spreading and it’s the biggest germ convention of the year at fairs. Too many kids, followed by too many animals.
  2. Don’t eat anything. Granted that VFW member may be a bona fide grillin’ villain at home, but that’s a far cry from stepping in as a short order cook to serve all 3 people who didn’t read this warning. You don’t know where anything has been and how they managed to sterilize that converted travel trailer that hasn’t been touched since this time last year. If you do have to eat, go for something smothered in onions at least that way your breath will keep other germ packing people away from you, if the food doesn’t knock you down first.
  3. Don’t let anyone touch you. Just because you read this and follow the rules for fair survival doesn’t mean others will (they probably won’t read this in their haste to be first in line for the pie eating contest). Is that handshake worth 20 minutes in the porta-sauna? I didn’t think so.
  4. Avoid eating contests. I warned you about the food, now you want to see how fast you can down it? Before you fill out that form, go sit in that sun drenched honey bucket just outside of the beer garden. Now do you really want to gorge yourself.
  5. Stay in the beer garden. Alcohol is a sanitizer. Just keep drinking and all will be fine. I promise.
  6. Avoid parades. If the horses poop their way down the street before the candy throwing floats get there… I think you can do the math on this one. And how many times have you seen a parade where the animals were last? That would be un-American.
  7. Avoid animals. Other than an amazing opportunity to see a chicken who actually looks like the rock star Slash, there’s nothing in the 4-H section other than pigs with butt cheeks that look uncannily human and pestilence.

While it certainly seems safer to just stay home, you really need to see that chicken. Stay strong reader(s), here’s a sample photo of that chicken (taken at a small town fair by your fearless reporter in order to limit your risk) in case you put safety before fairs.

Leave a comment about your best or worst fair experience.

Men’s Health- Survival

While there are many articles out there telling men what they need to do to stay fit and tone those triceps, there are few that really touch on the second most important topic in a man’s life- survival. The Not Really News Blog won’t waste your time with another blah blah blah article on building the perfect quads. TNRNB wants you to live, read articles, and be happy. The first two we can help you with. The third is impossible. Happiness is for wild animals, they don’t have anything important to worry about, besides Republicans. So without further delay, 10 tips for men’s survival:

  1. Drink from the jug. This is important. Drinking from the jug is territory marking. We can’t waste precious resources by sharing. We want to survive. If you can’t pee on it then drink out of it.
  2. Don’t have a family. Another huge mistake men make is getting married and having kids. There is no better way to die young than to sacrifice all your hard work- even for a cute little defenseless baby.
  3. Don’t play with babies. Babies are germ party houses. They sit around covered from end to end in slime. Whether they are sitting poo or drenched in drool, they are festering sites of disease waiting to happen.
  4. Eat what you want. All these new fad diets require you to not eat something and eat less of everything. How does that even make sense? What you don’t eat, someone else will, then it’s gone forever. The key to survival is waste nothing.
  5. Waste nothing. Never throw anything away. The odds are tremendous that you will need something someday that chucked out with the trash. Since there is no way of knowing what that is, keep everything. Bases covered. Some things can also be repurposed. Forks can be made into back scratchers, for instance.
  6. Don’t let women buy your clothes. Women buy clothes so that they can parade you around like a trained monkey. While monkeys qualify for happiness under the Wild Animal Happiness Act™ mentioned above, trained monkeys aren’t wild any more so they are required to be miserable as well. Buy your own clothes. And buy manly, warm ones that don’t sag.
  7. Don’t own trained monkeys. If too many trained monkeys are out there, women may stop making men altogether. That would be a real threat to survival.
  8. Don’t wash dishes. Men get water everywhere when they wash dishes, it’s part of the fun. However, those puddles of fun are serious slipping hazards and if you brain yourself on the counter and die in a pool of your own blood, you won’t be surviving very well
  9. Keep your blood on the inside of your body. TNRNB cannot stress enough how important this is. If you don’t follow any the other tips, follow this one. It works without being part of an entire fitness program.
  10. Buy paper plates. Paper plates avoid the issues of #8 which could lead to failure of #9. Once used, they can be burned for heat, which keeps you from getting cold.

There you have it men, survival is easy if you follow these ten simple tricks. Stay strong, and don’t bleed.

The Paleo Diet and Man’s Quest to Regress

In health news today we look at this so called Paleo diet. The idea is to eat like our ancestors did from thousands of years ago, which is a lame way of saying we need to cut out all of the modern frills that make things taste good. Why stop at the Paleolithic Era? Why not go back a million years when our evolution was really taking form? What could possibly be more filling than a few beetles and a bamboo shoot or two? This reporter asked prominent dietician Dr. Del Icatessen what his thoughts were on the latest fad diet. “Any time you limit the intake of a food group you are asking for imbalance. I believe in moderating all things before eliminating one thing. Why push man back past the dawn of agriculture?” Certainly, all diets demand a large measure of self-control, will power, and discipline, which is why this reporter prefers to just stay fat. Besides, who wants to be responsible for layoffs at Ben &Jerry’s? Not this guy. Don’t put that on me. The invention of the strawberry milkshake is one of mankind’s greatest achievements, we can’t just undo that.

Further investigation into man’s regression doesn’t just involve dietary practice, politics, and Justin Bieber. An even more disturbing trend involving age regression in adult males has been uncovered. Now we’re not talking about the age old “mid-life crisis” here. This new regression has little to do with sudden appearances of sports cars, earrings, and sexual encounters with women far younger, no folks this reporter is referring to the “dress like you play little league baseball” fad (gasp). The trend became overwhelmingly hard to ignore when attending West Coast League baseball games this year. It is customary, and even expected, for the kids in attendance to wear their little league uniforms to the baseball games in order to look like their heroes out on the diamond. It also seems to be customary, and infinitely creepy, for the fathers of those children to dress in the same little league attire. Now we’re not talking about a sweatshirt that says “Mikey’s Dad” across the back here. No, faithful readers, we’re talking about a full size version of that child’s uniform complete with warm-up jacket and matching wraparound sunglasses (worn over the hat-not on the eyes-and backwards). Nothing says “I’m proud of my son’s accomplishments because I never had any™” like being a 6 foot tall, 200 pound doppelganger of a six-year-old. And nothing says “when I played tee ball I struck out looking” like seeking your son out in the crowd of his friends to ask if it’s okay to go get ice cream after the game since you’re not on a fad diet.

Stay strong people, and enjoy the summer.