Stories of Impending PNW Earthquake are Actually an Attack on TNRNB

 

found in a Google search

found in a Google search

By now you’ve all heard about the earthquake which will someday destroy the Pacific Northwest in a cataclysmic event known as “The Great Shake” (as opposed to the “Little Wiggle” I guess). However, further investigation into this “potential 9.0+ magnitude” tremblor reveals that things are not as they appear (like Donald Trump’s hair). In an undercover operation worthy of Hollywood, Chris the carrier pigeon exposed this “crisis” for what it really is. Yes, fearless reader(s)- or Jim from Nantucket- this dastardly diatribe of deadly devastation is nothing more than a sneaky attempt by this reporter’s wife to con him into cleaning out the garage. Hard to believe, isn’t it Jim?

This reporter’s wife has long complained that his prized possessions are overloading the shelves and could cause bodily harm to the unwary. While it cannot be disputed that this menagerie of man stuff is extensive, one may argue that the seventeen totes of Christmas decorations border on excessive as well. And we won’t even go into the closets full of knickknacks and “air freshening devices” that could turn to shrapnel and/or a toxic cloud of “freshly laundered linen” and “spring bouquet in the rain” (which, coincidently, translates to “dandelions in a downpour” around here). While the wife’s actions may seem to be out of desperation, the consequences may be far reaching. This reporter has gathered some snippets from the latest crop of presidential wannabes about their thoughts on this regional false alarm.

Donald Trump- “I prefer false alarms that haven’t been caught.”

Jeb Bush- “I can’t believe anybody would lie about a threat to human lives just to further a personal agenda.”

Hillary Clinton- “Did anybody die? This is a woman in distress. Our jails are already overcrowded.”

Bernie Sanders- “It’s about time somebody brought emergency preparedness into the public eye. I’ve been talking about this since 1832.”

So the major players seems split on how to handle this geological gesture of garage gamesmanship, which should come as a surprise to no one. However, the much larger issue here is: time spent doing chores or earning a living is time snatched away from news reporting. Clearly this woman must be controlled. At any time, a major scoop could break and end up on a mock news site such as Fox or ESPN. Journalists with integrity must be free to report at all hours of the day- or night (as long as it’s not past eleven, I’m old). Help expose this fraudulent farce, share the post, leave a comment, tattoo a pigeon on your left arm- whatever you can do to raise real awareness about the real issues.

A behind the scenes look at the government shutdown

As the inspiration for all of Ignorami-kind flex their collective wings, 800,000 people are out of work. A government shutdown became unavoidable as Senate Democrats and House Republicans once again prove that ideology is far more important than doing their job. Fundamentalist politics are the only thing to rule from Washington, D.C. today though, and we here at The Blog have secured the transcripts of a little known conversation between Senate kingpin Harry Reid (D-Nevada) and House thug John Boehner just minutes before they failed our poor, poor, leaderless country. At first it seemed that these two sides could Continue reading

TNRNB investigates: How today’s electronic environment is killing the merry-go-round industry

In a society where XBOX trumps sandbox (which were actually cat litter boxes but we survived) the fallout from kids not playing outside anymore makes waves across lamestream media headlines. There is much to be said about the rising obesity problem in the US population, rising cases of Type II diabetes (especially in childhood- nearly unheard of twenty years ago), a generation of lazy, useless workers who quit their jobs by lunchtime because they can’t use their smartphones and do manufacturing work at the same time, and a failing merry-go-round industry. Merry-go-rounds were once a playground mainstay, designed to foster cooperation among children in recreating circus carousel-like experiences, which actually became a child’s first physics experiment combining conservation of momentum with centrifugal force in order see what child flew the farthest when spun too fast to hold on. While this led to the invention of motion sickness medication, crash helmets, playground supervisors, and playground coverings other than bare concrete or asphalt, the boom couldn’t last and children quickly flocked to less painful- and less active- “activities.” Continue reading

The horror that is Hanford and what it is doing to us- a TNRNB investigative report

During research for yesterday’s groundbreaking piece on the Ignorami, this reporter uncovered a cover up far more horrific than the public may be ready for. However, as a member of the press, it is my duty to make sure the public is informed, whether they want to be or not. It is also my duty, as a card carrying member of the media that I hold so close to my heart, to release this information- no matter how incomplete- in the hopes that I become very famous and get my opportunity to stand before my peers… and plead for my freedom (in a very manly way of course). And so, without further delay, my stunning revelations about the evils of Hanford… (we really need sound effects here).

My research in Hanford Nuclear Reservation (HNR) began with some deep digging into files that no other person would go: Wikipedia. Continue reading

A TNRNB exclusive report- the United States biggest secret society

Forget about the Illuminati. Don’t worry about Skull & Bones. You might want to keep anything else Dan Brown mentions in the back of your mind, but, really really pay attention to the huge new secret society this reporter has uncovered. There is a group of people with a horrifying amount of power who are rapidly gobbling up members like this reporter gobbling up fake crab salad at Sizzler (well maybe not that fast). This group transcends all classes, includes those from all walks of life, and embraces any race and gender. They don’t care about sexual preference, orientation or your last confession. They may care about your political affiliations but no more than half of them will at any given time. This society is so secret that many members may not even be aware they belong to it. There is no secret handshake, there is only one way to identify them, they vote. Welcome to the… Ignorami. (Cue huge crashing music).  Continue reading

Starbucks being sued for…. Being rude? (Gasp, who knew?)

The McDonalds of coffee is on the wrong side of a lawsuit filed in Manhattan over discrimination against deaf customers. Workers not only mocked the speech and communication patterns of the deaf group who met at the coffeehouse once a month, but also called police to have them removed from the premises. Twelve members of Deaf Chat Coffee are listed as plaintiffs in the suit. When reached for comment, a spokesperson for the Seattle based company stated,” Discrimination of any kind at Starbucks in unacceptable. We take these allegations very seriously and believe that they are neither in line with our values nor our track record of engaging the deaf community as partners and as customers.” While this reporter is ignorant of any “Starbucks coffee for the hearing impaired” program, he is certain that we will all know of one very soon. While this case is merit, and will most likely end in a few lost jobs and a nod to those who live in a world of silence, it seems astounding that this case truly even exists. Now hold on suddenly angry reader(s), allow for an explanation. EVERYONE OVER THE AGE OF 25 KNOWS STARBUCKS WORKERS ARE RUDE, IMPATIENT PEOPLE. I think it is one of the job requirements, along with adaptability to foreign coffee languages. And massive piercings.

Starbucks has long offered consistency on a level known to very companies throughout the history of the universe. Your coffee will always taste the same, no matter where or when you get it. And the service with that coffee will always be rotten, no matter when or where you get it. Your tireless newshound risked his life and sanity to test this hypothesis by stopping at every Starbucks within 25 miles of his house. (It took three weeks just to go four blocks). What he found seems to support the above statements. Surly hipsters with earlobes that Asiana pilots could successfully land a plane through, dispensing coffee with borderline malice. Nearly every time this bladder bursting media maven received his “triple grande caramel mocha with a little extra caramel not too hot sauces only please™,” said “not too hot” beverage was a mere five degrees hotter than ball lightning requiring it to be triple cupped and coated in 65 of those sleeve things that fill up the floorboards of every commuter’s car in the land. Thousands of trees had to die just contain each drink. I haven’t slept in days and I can actually see the individual atoms that make up my keyboard. The things I go through to deliver quality reporting may be the death of me yet. Stay strong reader(s), someday you’ll get your coffee delivered with a smile somewhere besides McDonalds.

AG Holder announces major changes to leak probe guidelines

Eric Holder has announced changes in how the government can charge the sweet, innocent, blameless media (and possibly other people who really don’t matter) in leak probes. We journalist can breathe much easier now knowing the Justice Department can no longer charge reporters for doing their job in releasing all material they can regardless of the outcome. It is our job to keep America informed, buying papers, and making our investors and sponsors happy to give us more money. You may scoff that a “satirist” such as myself could be in danger of government action. To this I say, “If they will tackle the satirist promised land, AKA Fox News, then no one is safe.” This reporter is much relieved that Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert were off-season and safe during this time of journalistic oppression, obviously nothing is sacred under this administration. This reporter may be endangering himself with such outspoken tactics but never fear, my faithful reader(s), they can’t steal MY email- you guys never create me any. Besides, all my contacts in the spy business are reached through much more secure methods.

When reached by carrier pigeon, a source- who spoke on the condition of anonymity due to not being authorized to do more than mop bathrooms- told me that FBI leaders are livid that the President would lambast the Bush era Patriot Act and its implications, use them beyond their scope, then limit their scope so severely. “The spooks feel like they’ll have to go back to spying on each other. Last time it got to this point the FBI vs. CIA softball tournaments were ugly. No one left the dugout without a disguise, it was really embarrassing watching a rhinoceros strike out a dogwood tree in the finals that year, not to mention the signals from the third base coach were relayed through satellites. It’s so much nicer when we can keep them busy spying on civilians,” the informant stated through a small flock of pigeons.

Media organizations will now be told if they are being investigated AND reporters cannot be considered co-conspirators for the sake of sneaking around secret search warrant rules for reporting material. I will never have to reveal my source and Jimbob will be fine as long he doesn’t let the pigeon poop pile too high. A reporter’s source is far too valuable in this pigeon-eat-pigeon world of sponsorship dollars, corporate-based media companies, and the reader expectation of a story that will occasionally hold under scrutiny. So for this protection, I say thank you AG Holden, and give a shout out to Bradly Manning and Eddie Snowden, thanks guys for taking the heat so the rest of us can sleep at night, in a nice warm bed, with multiple pillows, and AC in the summer, you guys are great.

Stay strong readers, our government is watching out for us. (Keep your head down Jimbob, your secret is safe with me).

The Paleo Diet and Man’s Quest to Regress

In health news today we look at this so called Paleo diet. The idea is to eat like our ancestors did from thousands of years ago, which is a lame way of saying we need to cut out all of the modern frills that make things taste good. Why stop at the Paleolithic Era? Why not go back a million years when our evolution was really taking form? What could possibly be more filling than a few beetles and a bamboo shoot or two? This reporter asked prominent dietician Dr. Del Icatessen what his thoughts were on the latest fad diet. “Any time you limit the intake of a food group you are asking for imbalance. I believe in moderating all things before eliminating one thing. Why push man back past the dawn of agriculture?” Certainly, all diets demand a large measure of self-control, will power, and discipline, which is why this reporter prefers to just stay fat. Besides, who wants to be responsible for layoffs at Ben &Jerry’s? Not this guy. Don’t put that on me. The invention of the strawberry milkshake is one of mankind’s greatest achievements, we can’t just undo that.

Further investigation into man’s regression doesn’t just involve dietary practice, politics, and Justin Bieber. An even more disturbing trend involving age regression in adult males has been uncovered. Now we’re not talking about the age old “mid-life crisis” here. This new regression has little to do with sudden appearances of sports cars, earrings, and sexual encounters with women far younger, no folks this reporter is referring to the “dress like you play little league baseball” fad (gasp). The trend became overwhelmingly hard to ignore when attending West Coast League baseball games this year. It is customary, and even expected, for the kids in attendance to wear their little league uniforms to the baseball games in order to look like their heroes out on the diamond. It also seems to be customary, and infinitely creepy, for the fathers of those children to dress in the same little league attire. Now we’re not talking about a sweatshirt that says “Mikey’s Dad” across the back here. No, faithful readers, we’re talking about a full size version of that child’s uniform complete with warm-up jacket and matching wraparound sunglasses (worn over the hat-not on the eyes-and backwards). Nothing says “I’m proud of my son’s accomplishments because I never had any™” like being a 6 foot tall, 200 pound doppelganger of a six-year-old. And nothing says “when I played tee ball I struck out looking” like seeking your son out in the crowd of his friends to ask if it’s okay to go get ice cream after the game since you’re not on a fad diet.

Stay strong people, and enjoy the summer.

The Great Washington Coal Train Controversy (Part 1)

It has become clear that much of Washington is wrapped up in coal train controversy on one side or the other. It is also clear that both sides have become content with just repeating themselves, interjecting little argument of substance into the mix. In order to stop this “will too, will not horseplay™” once and for all, your untiring reporter undertook a study into a situation so convoluted that even the Army Corps of Engineers crawled away from it. The results are shocking, far-reaching, and leave no room for further argument. Clearly, coal is the biggest threat to humanity since the invention of the media. And so, without further delay, from east to west, here are the results of the most in-depth study on the effects coal trains will have on our beautiful state given over a two day span for extra opportunities for our advertisers- I mean to spare no details.

And now, a 35 minute word from our sponsors. (Oops, wrong format).

Coal trains are a threat to the nearly extinct two-headed three-finned albino trout (also known as the Manhattan trout) that occupy the cooling ponds of Hanford Nuclear Reservation. Numbers of this fish are already dwindling as rising radiation levels are increasing the likelihood of sterilization, coal dust could make the ponds completely uninhabitable. This fish is fighting long odds already folks, it can’t afford us to add insult to injury. When reached for comment, Washington’s only ‘Glow-in-the-Dark-Pumpkin®” farmer, John Radonowski stated, ” This better not mess with my pumpkins.” I believe he’s serious.

Coal dust could land on the crops of the primitive people who occupy those seemingly barren lands between the Tri-Cities and Yakima. At first, it seems strange that we could interrupt major trade route potential for all of those ten people but you have to realize that these people supply nearly all of the legumes, cherries, and apples for the entire planet. This reporter still isn’t sure what a legume actually is but it sounds important. Coal dust landing on the leaves of these crops could disrupt vital resources from absorbing into the plants, such as sunlight and pesticides. Blockage of pesticide function could cause havoc with the ecosystem, giving mutant spiders from Hanford a foothold in places farther west and denying certain cities in Oregon from holding “bee memorials.” Ironically, the trains would follow the Gorge after entering the state in Spokane so at least the farmers in the upper two-thirds of the state will be able to blast away at will. Member of the Yakima Indian Tribe, William Wonkatonka, operates an espresso stand just outside of Bingen (where the hell is Bingen?) and has no concern about coal trains affecting his business. “Coal dust is black, coffee is black, no problem,” he stated, “if it gets too bad I can always move, maybe make candy or toy trucks for a living instead.”

Join us tomorrow as our little coal train that could breaks the Cascade barrier and journeys through the wetlands.