Stories of Impending PNW Earthquake are Actually an Attack on TNRNB

 

found in a Google search

found in a Google search

By now you’ve all heard about the earthquake which will someday destroy the Pacific Northwest in a cataclysmic event known as “The Great Shake” (as opposed to the “Little Wiggle” I guess). However, further investigation into this “potential 9.0+ magnitude” tremblor reveals that things are not as they appear (like Donald Trump’s hair). In an undercover operation worthy of Hollywood, Chris the carrier pigeon exposed this “crisis” for what it really is. Yes, fearless reader(s)- or Jim from Nantucket- this dastardly diatribe of deadly devastation is nothing more than a sneaky attempt by this reporter’s wife to con him into cleaning out the garage. Hard to believe, isn’t it Jim?

This reporter’s wife has long complained that his prized possessions are overloading the shelves and could cause bodily harm to the unwary. While it cannot be disputed that this menagerie of man stuff is extensive, one may argue that the seventeen totes of Christmas decorations border on excessive as well. And we won’t even go into the closets full of knickknacks and “air freshening devices” that could turn to shrapnel and/or a toxic cloud of “freshly laundered linen” and “spring bouquet in the rain” (which, coincidently, translates to “dandelions in a downpour” around here). While the wife’s actions may seem to be out of desperation, the consequences may be far reaching. This reporter has gathered some snippets from the latest crop of presidential wannabes about their thoughts on this regional false alarm.

Donald Trump- “I prefer false alarms that haven’t been caught.”

Jeb Bush- “I can’t believe anybody would lie about a threat to human lives just to further a personal agenda.”

Hillary Clinton- “Did anybody die? This is a woman in distress. Our jails are already overcrowded.”

Bernie Sanders- “It’s about time somebody brought emergency preparedness into the public eye. I’ve been talking about this since 1832.”

So the major players seems split on how to handle this geological gesture of garage gamesmanship, which should come as a surprise to no one. However, the much larger issue here is: time spent doing chores or earning a living is time snatched away from news reporting. Clearly this woman must be controlled. At any time, a major scoop could break and end up on a mock news site such as Fox or ESPN. Journalists with integrity must be free to report at all hours of the day- or night (as long as it’s not past eleven, I’m old). Help expose this fraudulent farce, share the post, leave a comment, tattoo a pigeon on your left arm- whatever you can do to raise real awareness about the real issues.

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No Intelligent Life Found on Pluto

As the New Horizon spacecraft continues to send back stunning images of the planet/not-planet/there-goes-my-childhood world of Pluto, scientists have decided there is no evidence of intelligent life on the frozen world. Aside from a heart (or Mickey Mouse) shaped formation, Pluto is barren of anything else Disney would plunder for a movie. While this news is disheartening for many who wished to find a respite from the unintelligent life we have here, one particular group is ecstatic about the news.

Politicians from both sides of the aisle are flocking to annex the dwarf planet as our 51st state, leapfrogging longtime applicants Puerto Rico, Guam, and Canada. Presidential hopefuls took to the airwaves announcing their support for any unintelligent voters the world may support. Yes fearless reader(s), your dedicated one-man news agency managed to cover all political press conferences at once and gleaned some snippets on the candidate’s opinions.

Donald Trump: As long as they’ve never been captured, they may worship me.

Jeb Bush: I’d never give arms to them. How many legs do they have though? Might be able to work something out there…

Hillary Clinton: They need a hand up. Let us share our national wealth and surplus with these less fortunate Plutonians. In return they may want to share their votes with me….

Bernie Sanders: Can we get them jobs? Do they belong to a union? There’s just so much we need to know.

Such a move is bound to be contested by our closest allies. In fact, TNRNB has contacted some sources who wish to remain anonymous due to the sensitive nature of them getting fired. Your number one news source always comes through.

Germany: This is an outrage and shameless land grab. Such a move would extend the U.S. sovereign rights to the entire solar system.

France: We will resist any attempts by the U.S. to lay claim to an entire planet. As long as we don’t actually have to anything besides talk about it

Canada: eh?

Iran: Did somebody say Plutonium???

That’s all for now fearless reader(s), stay strong as your tireless newshound scours the airwaves for more stories you won’t read anyway.

New Handheld Device can Turn off Pain for Surgeons

Well fearless reader(s) your tireless newshound has become tireless again. TNRNB hopes that we haven’t lost too many readers during our absence (one is too many since that’s all we had to begin with) but things got hectic (I got a job) and adjustments needed to be made. Fear not, however, your comma abusing reporter and his bevy of covert carrier pigeons have returned to bring you the cutting edge of news you never cared about before (and probably still don’t) In our triumphant return to glory we bring you a story that can’t possibly go wrong.
Science has breached new barriers with this powerful new tool in pain management. No more do we have to worry about doctors implanting some kind of scary computers onto the wrong nerve (besides the obvious part about doctors implanting things into us to begin with), this handy little monster can find just the right nerve for proper pain killing. We here at TNRNB find this to be a huge relief as before this Orwellian beast was invented only a handful of surgeons were capable of performing such a surgery, but now anyone will be able to do it- such as your primary care provider, a LPN, or your local neighborhood ice cream truck driver (no more headaches!!!). The possibilities are endless (and probably not covered under Obamacare).
Your reporter feels that he should share in a cut of the profits due to the fact that he most likely inspired the quest to turn off pain, after all, he’s been able to turn off his wife for years (without invasive surgery). Any proceeds from this device without royalty payments to yours truly will be a true demonstration of the kind of corporate greed that formed me to actually get a job to begin with. We’ll be keeping a close eye on developments and talk with our attorney if need be- if he’s still alive.
Stay strong fearless reader(s), we’re back and better than ever (not hard to do). It’s election time and the candidates alone should provide plenty of material for everyone’s favorite news reporter.

Six-clawed mutant lobster caught in Maine- the real story

Lobstermen in Maine are in awe of the now-viral lobster caught last week off the coast of Massachusetts. The oddity is reported to have one monster claw on one side of its body and a joint that sprouted five small appendages on the other. There is no word on its ability to thumb wrestle. The lobster was spared from the boiling kettle of doom and donated to the Maine State Aquarium where it will go on display with other freaks of nature such a bi-colored lobster and a Democrat that prefers to work. Continue reading

Scientists announce discovery of slipperiest substance known to man

Researchers from the University of Nowhere You’ve Ever Heard Of have announced they have broken the recorded, previously held by hagfish, for the slipperiest substance known. The paper, published in this week’s edition of The Banana Peel- a non-peer reviewed journal usually read by apes and men in the waiting rooms of gynecologists- stated that their discovery will revolutionize several industries and make the discovers very rich. Scientists had been aware of the existence of the slippery stuff prior to the paper but had never been able to get a record of it to stand up to the scrutiny level of the slippery substance community which is known as a level Simga-3.23145767552 or “Holy Shit, that’s close.” Continue reading

Scientists implant false memories into mice- explain why high school reunions are so awkward

Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have been able to implant false memories into mice using fiber optic cables. While the existence of false memories is nothing new, having been demonstrated for nearly twenty years, but this would be the first experiment to implant those memories directly. Such techniques may one day provide new therapies for the emotionally scarred, such as plane crash survivors, war veterans, or Seattle Mariners fans. The technique would be even better if would work on groups, such as the people present when your reporter had too much tequila one Christmas Eve. Continue reading

Vervet monkeys: a case study in pigmentation

In science news, it has been shown that males are usually the more colorful sex in the animal kingdom. It has also been shown that the more colorful amongst males usually have more mates than their less colorful brethren. In a rather creepy development, it has also been shown that the lighter blue a male vervet monkey’s testicles are the lower social status he has, making him a lesser choice for mating. To make matters even more interesting, the blue fades as the monkey gets knocked farther down the corporate ladder. This reporter has the rare chance to share this story with little embellishment at all, showing once again the old adage to be true, the funniest things in life are real. So now, whenever a case of blue balls happens to strike, just think, a vervet monkey would love to have that problem right now…

Without further ado, a vervet monkey of apparent high status:

Never let it be said that a reporter does not suffer to bring his readers all the information they need to get through their day. I would also like to thank the I fucking love science Facebook page for this story. One can never have too many chances to show that blue balls can be a good thing.