Soccer team offers up animal sacrifice- wins match

In world sporting news today, it has been noted that a soccer team has sacrificed a sheep prior to its winning match against Celtic. Shakhter Karagandy, a team from Kazakhstan, offered up the sheep at Astana Arena, freshly built for the team. The governing body, UEFA or the Union of European Football Associations, has said the team will face sanctions if it happens again. In response, “Shakhter coach Viktor Kumykov suggested the ritual could be repeated.” Surely this 15th century type of behavior in sports must have died out after the second Major League movie, but it appears that some pockets of resistance remain. Even more shocking is the choice of animal, sheep are nearly sacred in the world of soccer (or football as the rest of planet outside of the United States calls it). Other soccer clubs are livid about this development. Premier British soccer team Continue reading

Bernie Kosar still embarrassing the Browns after all these years

Friends, Reader(s), Mom (okay, yes I know those are all the same people but I needed the effect) lend me your eyes, for I come to bury Kosar not to praise him. Well that’s about as Shakespearean as I can get with this one, but it no doubt caught at least one of you (out of two?) by surprise. In football commentator news, Bernie Kosar has embarrassed the Cleveland Browns organization by spending an entire football game insulting the St. Louis Rams. First of all, this reporter finds it hard to believe that Mr. Kosar can still live up to his playing days enough to embarrass the entire organization and second of all, is being the Rams embarrassing enough? How can one guy get you down when you have to look in the mirror daily? Continue reading

Aaron Hernandez pleads guilty- sentenced immediately

In a shocking plea deal that is certain to finally make the common man feel like justice has been served to a professional athlete, Aaron Hernandez pled guilty to all counts today. The counts covered the murder of Odin Lloyd and the drive double killings currently under investigation. In what has been termed as a “coup d’état that would make Egypt proud,” prosecutors got their man, and for once it didn’t cost gazillions of taxpayer money to do it. Under the deal, Hernandez will have three counts of first degree murder, menacing, coercion, racketeering, domestic terrorism, crimes against humanity, making Belichick sad, and impersonating a tight end. The deal brings closure to many family members and fans who figured he would be traded soon anyway. The charges will all be explained in a news conference after practice gets out but this reporter had to break the story and therefore, sacrificed important details for “the scoopage.©” I feel terrible about this but the United Brotherhood of People Who Write Articles Just for Attention has threatened to revoke my media card if I didn’t lower my standards.  Continue reading

Alfonso Soriano, Yankees Close to “deal”

There is nothing amusing to say here. I will waste no more electrons on this subject other than to quote a Boston Red Sox insider: “Do it!!! Do it!!!!” That is all folks. The New York Yankees a.k.a. Major League Baseball’s retirement home.

Report: A-Rod to rejoin Yankees on Monday

Team president Randy Levine has confirmed that Alex Rodriguez will rejoin the team Monday night in Texas. A fitting return for a guy under investigation of performance enhancing drugs to begin his season in a match-up of the two teams he did most of his drug taking with. The Yankees are thrilled to get a right handed bat back into the lineup. Levine told Bob Nightengale of USA Today, “We need Alex Rodriguez. We need a right-handed bat. We need a third baseman. He’s the best third baseman we’ve got. And if he’s hot, he can carry us.” And hot he seems to be, going 6-32, which is a whopping .188 average, in 11 minor league rehab games. When this reporter sees those numbers his mind just screams “IS IT OCTOBER ALREADY?” Clearly A-Rod isn’t ready, as he’s only created controversy once in the last 11 games, he’s not even warm yet folks. For a man who was once a shoo-in to break the all-time homerun record, this has been a tough fall to watch. He went from this generation’s “Sultan of Swat” to the “Keith Richards of PEDs” so fast that Yankee lawyers still don’t know how to get out the next $100 million they owe him.

The Players union may be able to keep him on the diamond for the rest of the year, but it won’t matter to his legacy. The right choice would be to “retire” a la Manny Ramirez (who may also be at that game according some reports although on the Texas roster). It will be interesting to see how the remainder of this year goes, will A-Rod be able to regain his old form? Will he be a distraction in the clubhouse? Do he really have a painting of himself as centaur (I still have nightmares after hearing that one)? Many questions have been asked but Rodriguez is the only one with the answers so lets just hope we don’t see too many more of these looks this year:

(Image via Google search)

Stay strong reader(s) baseball resumes tomorrow.

Rhythmic gymnastics rocked by scandal- is nothing sacred anymore?

The sports world is enraged today as news broke of a judging scandal involving 60 individuals within the sport of rhythmic gymnastics. The integrity of all things ribbon has been called into question as individuals in testing rooms across Europe sought to qualify for events they sucked too bad to get into- by cheating on the test. Yes, that’s right. People will stop at nothing to work their way into this prestigious sport. Lying, cheating judges, unqualified to truly score a masterfully executed triple cartwheel, barrel roll into a sitting position- all while maintaining a maximum amount of concentric circles on that ribbon on a stick thingy (Sorry for the technical terminology). These individuals are the judges folks- or would have been. The International Gymnastics Federation, known as F.I.G. (ok they’re gymnasts not accountants, let’s not expect things to be in order) spent MONTHS investigating this case, ferreting out these weasels who would cause havoc amongst our floor exercises. This reporter knows he won’t be able to stomach the 2016 Olympics now. There will always be that lingering doubt… What if one got through? What if Tajurkslambad gets a medal at the cost of the United States because of a cheating judge? What if RG loses its favored status to an upstart, like synchronized swimming? How deep does this corruption go? We can never be sure. And so, there is only one option left to truly honest rhythmists, we need to start all over. That’s right flabbergasted reader(s), we need a whole new judging body. And that’s where your reporter is already working for you.

After much discussion with F.I.G., an agreement was reached that your tireless newshound would retrain judges and supply them (for a modest fee) to all major events up to and including the 2016 Rio de Janeiro Olympic Games (cue subtle theme music). The new judging body: Judges Expressing Reliable Knowledge Soundlessly (because all judges should be seen not heard) or J.E.R.K.S., will be the finest gymnastic critiquers of their kind. They WILL know the difference between a planned flip and an “incidental stubbed toe then trip and fly through the air while recovering nicely and making look intentional™.” (My wife invented that last one). Now folks the plan here is help a wayward sport regain its integrity. My judges will be honored as the finest judges in the world and it will be common to hear such phrases as “Nice call J.E.R.K.S.” or “Nailed that one J.E.R.K.S.” Such regularity and confidence in judging will once again have rhythmic gymnastics back amongst the leaders in trustworthiness like baseball and cycling. Stay strong reader(s) and keep your eye out for J.E.R.K.S. on a floor exercise near you.

Original article:

Aaron Hernandez admitted to shooting Odin Lloyd?

Court documents unsealed today show that one of the suspects involved in the Aaron Hernandez murder investigation told police that Hernandez admitted to a third man that he shot Lloyd, adding yet another layer to the circumstantial case of champions against the former New England Patriots tight end. The case has fascinated fans and criminal law undergrads for its seemingly endless stream of folly. Lloyd was last seen in car rented by Hernandez, Hernandez was caught on his own home surveillance system getting into the car with a pistol. Hernandez was also known to be upset with Lloyd over a discussion he had with what may have been rival gang members at a night club a few days prior to his murder. This reporter has gained a bit of insight into how that conversation could have enraged Hernandez to the point of murder. It appears that the rival gang members were all wearing NFL jerseys with the name Gronkowski across the back. It may be unrelated, who knows?

In related events Hernandez may share time as wide receiver with his potential new team, the Massachusetts State Corrections Department “Minutemen” semi-pro team. He has also agreed to a contract with a biographer (who shall remain nameless) to chronicle all of his exploits, pitfalls, mistakes and stats from NFL draft until parole in a new book entitled “The Longest Tard.”

Updates as the story develops.

More details can be found here:

Breaking News: Major League Baseball to suspend ARod, Braun, and up to 20 others

Update 7/16/13:

The players union has publicly stated that suspensions for any players caught up in the Biogenesis mess will not be executed swiftly. There will also be discussion pertaining to whether players will be named publicly as suspended (since no one will notice Braun or Arod missing anyway). If suspensions go to arbitration it will likely be next season before anyone serves time, further clouding any contract negotiations these cheaters have. When asked for comment Lance Armstrong stated, “I think this can drag out until well after these guys retire.” Stay strong readers it’s only just beginning.

ESPN claims sources have revealed that Commissioner Bud Selig will act on testimony coerced from Biogenesis founder Tony Bosch to suspend players linked to a clinic that was being sued by MLB for “not playing nice™.” Said suit was immediately dropped when Bosch agreed to become MLB’s one and only witness. Biogenesis was rumored to have supplied two baseball’s most prolific hitters with performance enhancing drugs. While neither Braun nor Rodriguez have ever been suspended for PED’s before ARod admitted to using steroids prior to MLB’s ban. Braun, on the other hand, won an appeal of a dirty UA using the old “they-cheated-to-catch-me-cheating-so-it-doesn’t-count©” defense when the UA administrator took the urine sample home before turning it in. Let’s hope this isn’t a “we missed you before but we’ll get you now” revenge scheme due to the first successful MLB appeal in history (please see Bush Jr. vs. Hussein II for more information).

This reporter’s super-secret sources have relayed to him that the players are not rolling over easily. In a join counter attack, players have hired Lance Armstrong to defend their honor and help them delay any punishment for at least another decade.

In other news, the NFL still hasn’t noticed the “13th Man Pharma-Club” in downtown Seattle yet. The phone number is unlisted. Clearly a defensive move….

More details as the story unfolds

In a new article: I have unmasked A-Rod his true identity revealed here in a shocking report: