Stories of Impending PNW Earthquake are Actually an Attack on TNRNB

 

found in a Google search

found in a Google search

By now you’ve all heard about the earthquake which will someday destroy the Pacific Northwest in a cataclysmic event known as “The Great Shake” (as opposed to the “Little Wiggle” I guess). However, further investigation into this “potential 9.0+ magnitude” tremblor reveals that things are not as they appear (like Donald Trump’s hair). In an undercover operation worthy of Hollywood, Chris the carrier pigeon exposed this “crisis” for what it really is. Yes, fearless reader(s)- or Jim from Nantucket- this dastardly diatribe of deadly devastation is nothing more than a sneaky attempt by this reporter’s wife to con him into cleaning out the garage. Hard to believe, isn’t it Jim?

This reporter’s wife has long complained that his prized possessions are overloading the shelves and could cause bodily harm to the unwary. While it cannot be disputed that this menagerie of man stuff is extensive, one may argue that the seventeen totes of Christmas decorations border on excessive as well. And we won’t even go into the closets full of knickknacks and “air freshening devices” that could turn to shrapnel and/or a toxic cloud of “freshly laundered linen” and “spring bouquet in the rain” (which, coincidently, translates to “dandelions in a downpour” around here). While the wife’s actions may seem to be out of desperation, the consequences may be far reaching. This reporter has gathered some snippets from the latest crop of presidential wannabes about their thoughts on this regional false alarm.

Donald Trump- “I prefer false alarms that haven’t been caught.”

Jeb Bush- “I can’t believe anybody would lie about a threat to human lives just to further a personal agenda.”

Hillary Clinton- “Did anybody die? This is a woman in distress. Our jails are already overcrowded.”

Bernie Sanders- “It’s about time somebody brought emergency preparedness into the public eye. I’ve been talking about this since 1832.”

So the major players seems split on how to handle this geological gesture of garage gamesmanship, which should come as a surprise to no one. However, the much larger issue here is: time spent doing chores or earning a living is time snatched away from news reporting. Clearly this woman must be controlled. At any time, a major scoop could break and end up on a mock news site such as Fox or ESPN. Journalists with integrity must be free to report at all hours of the day- or night (as long as it’s not past eleven, I’m old). Help expose this fraudulent farce, share the post, leave a comment, tattoo a pigeon on your left arm- whatever you can do to raise real awareness about the real issues.

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What the government shutdown really means to commoners

As we are now into the first full day of the shutdown, a summary of services still offered is needed. Many government websites are down, and the rightfully worried citizens of the U.S. are flocking to the Internet and searching for the latest news. Here at TNRNB, we thought we should get a piece of that (meaning provide a helpful service, we don’t worry about traffic here (okay, there isn’t any)). In order to enlighten our reader (we believe his name is Tom from Wisconsin), we did all the scouring needed to be done (and made up everything else). So here you are Tom (if that’s who you really are), services you probably don’t need anyway. Continue reading

Latest re-occurring crisis: US Government will shut down in eight days if no deal is reached

In a surprise to no one who has had a heartbeat in the last several years, the federal government is again at crossroads over the budget. Again we see the usual threats of a government shut down if there is no money to pay the bills- leading to a sure default on the money we owe to people who hate us. It seems the problem lies between the parties being at opposite ends of the spectrum on nearly everything. House Republicans insist that any budget deal come with the repeal of Obamacare- for the 43rd time. Senate Democrats, on the other hand, wish to cure the American people of the various social ills such as working for a living and eradicating rich people- excepting Continue reading

ATNRNB Interview Exclusive- Chris the Carrier Pigeon

Sorry for my gap in reporting, faithful reader(s), but these days it’s tough to find anything in the news that isn’t Syria, a mass shooting, or similar topic not fit for a humorous spin. However, three days without a post is record here and the staff was getting restless. As I glanced around the news/living room, I realized that it was time to pay some attention to one of our unsung heroes. An employee who truly flies in the face of danger. A master of working behind enemy lines, getting in, and back out with minimal disturbance- minus that one load of birdshot. Continue reading

My thoughts on today

This is a departure from form for me, as I’m not soliciting laughs from this post. Twelve years ago I worked the night shift in a paper mill and usually didn’t get home until 7:00in the morning. I would usually pass my wife in the hallway as she got out of bed and I went to lay down. I hadn’t been there long when my wife burst through the bedroom door that morning in a panic unlike I’d seen from her, barring when she hurt one of our vehicles. It didn’t take much to realize she’d either really wrecked something good, or she was terrified of something. She stammered something to the amount of “we’re under attack.” I ran into the living room in nothing but a pair of boxers to defend whatever needed defending, Continue reading

NSA caught spying on CIA, FBI- Obama demands J. Edgar Hoover take helm

In yet another potential spying failure, the NSA has been caught peeking in on the actions of the other major United States intelligence agencies. Since the Patriot Act, the NSA has enjoyed nearly unfettered freedom to keep tabs on everyone from potential terrorists to political dissidents and from the United Nations to the Associate Press, and, of course, Verizon Wireless users. This latest scandal has prompted Mr. Obama to immediately hold a press conference, giving himself mere weeks to prepare a speech for it, and nominate J. Edgar Hoover as Supreme Intelligence Overlord, Head of Vacuum Cleaner Sales, and Prince of Keeping People Confused About Your Sexuality. Continue reading

Bradley Manning sentenced to prison until he hits puberty (or 35 years but who’s counting?)

In a partial message sent out to all who leak what’s left of United States government’s classified material, Bradley Manning has been sentenced to puberty. Well, he’s locked up until he can at least sprout facial hair convincingly. This reporter is fairly happy to have never earned such a sentence. Prosecutors were hoping to send a full message with a sentence between 60 and 90 years but, after redundant charges were dropped and the whole “aiding foreign jerks who probably already have the information anyway” charge was dropped Manning could walk out of jail in as little as ten years. If he stops Continue reading

United States government announces existence of Area 51

In a remarkable move by an administration known for having the transparency equivalent to an Alex Rodriguez press conference, the US government has announced that famed Area 51… exists. A group of declassified documents acknowledge the existence of part of Edwards Air Force base where rumors claim aliens and remnants of a space craft are housed. This reporter astutely noticed the name of the base and its resemblance to NSA leaker Edward Snowden’s, an unlikely coincidence. This acknowledgement that Area 51 is really a place opens many doors for the government to admit other famous rumors exist as well, like the “Constitution” or the fabled “Bill of Rights.” But, most likely, those will remain classified along with “common sense” and “leadership abilities.” This reporter hopes Continue reading

“Alphabet Murders” serial killing case gets gritty- diaries found.

Be thankful that we live in the land of innocent until proven guilty, fearless readers, because as of now, one Mr. Joseph Naso is screwed. The Alphabet murders date back to the 1970s and 1990s specifically as California prostitutes with first and last names beginning with the same letter were found raped and strangled. It seems Mr. Naso has kept a string of diaries that date back to the 1950s. Continue reading

The Not Really News Blog: Interview Series- Steve Kallio

TNRNB is proud to announce a series of personal and enlightening interviews featuring many of the characters (living or janitorial) found in the articles of this site. Naturally the first person your faithful newshound chose to interview was- himself. It was a riveting interview. I left no stone unturned. I now feel like I know me a little better. I should have done this years ago, maybe I would have a job, but then, that might have interfered with the media empire I have created here. So without further delay here is me, interviewing, me… Continue reading

Reuters: U.S. directs agents to cover up program used to investigate Americans. Obama blames leak on Roosevelt.

In what is sure to be a shock to anyone who has ever has ever wondered if the US government is honest with its citizens, the answer is most likely… no. In yet another homeland spying revelation, it has been revealed that, “a secretive U.S. Drug Enforcement Administration unit is funneling information from intelligence intercepts, wiretaps, informants and a massive database of telephone records to authorities across the nation to help them launch criminal investigations of Americans.” There is no doubt that such a program could protect countless lives through stopping crime before it’s committed, however, where do we, as American citizens, draw the line on this widespread spying? Furthermore, if the article is correct about agents lying to judges and other law enforcement, it undermines any chance of our government being held accountable by anyone. More and more this reporter is becoming grateful that no one ever reads anything he writes, being ignored is safety in these Orwellian times. The DEA created within itself a super-secret club known as SOD, which is clearly a nod to the trend setting, always controversial 80s spin-off band Stormtroopers of Death. Continue reading

Breaking News: The real Anthony Weiner scandal erupts: Photoshop

As the New York city Mayoral candidate formerly known as Carlos Danger struggles to maintain any relevance in the polls, another blow has surfaced in the sexting scandal- Anthony Weiner is less like Ron Jeremy and more like a chilly Ron White. That’s right stunned readers, TNRNB has once again gotten the inside scoop, this time on Weiner’s deceitful weinershopping™. The need for such elongation may come from the mounting pressure of massive scrutinizing from, not only New York City, but from the entire country as voters watch to see how political candidates bounce back from sex scandals. While it appears not everyone has the rebound ability of Bill Clinton, even with spousal backing. Weiner warned the nation that more pictures of his namesake would become public as the race heated up, yet polls seemed to ignore those warning, having him in the lead comfortably. However, once the selfless selfies surfaced those same media outlets who seemed to adore Mr. Weiner, now shunned him. And that selfie powered slide to “county commissioner hopeful at best®” is about to drive him right back into hiding. It seems Mr. Weiner would be more aptly named “Mr. Vienna Sausage.” Yes folks those pictures of Mr. Weiner’s python that are running around the web have been doctored, most likely before ever being sent as this reporter doesn’t see any young interns screaming for more pictures of men twice their age over a mere garter snake.  Continue reading

Man bakes cake without dirtying every dish in the house- Wife doesn’t believe him

In a story that rocked the nation, a man has made a chocolate cake, and didn’t need twelve hours to clean up. However, this milestone doesn’t come without adversity. In an argument that has led to divorce, his wife claims it is impossible to not to dirty every dish, he is lying and bought the cake, and that she can no longer trust him, which led to their divorce. In a first of its kind, the divorce by jury made headlines and spurred comments that reached to the highest office in the land. The verdict, which found the man did indeed bake the cake, has caused riots, work slowdowns, and bakery closures everywhere. In an apparent effort to quiet the masses- or to spout off about a verdict again- President Obama stated, “You didn’t bake that. It was baked on the backs of many people. And if one man had baked that cake, it would look like a cake I baked. If I had cake, this is what it would be.”  Continue reading

United States Military spent $34 million on an unused building- investigation underway

It has come to light that the US military spent $34 million on a building in Afghanistan that was never used and was ordered not to be built. The building, which is up for demolition, was “commissioned by the Army in February 2010 to be the Command and Control Facility for Regional Command Southwest during the surge. But, in May 2010, even before construction began, the Marine commander in the area submitted a request to U.S. Forces Afghanistan to cancel the project.” The 64,000 square foot building was obviously built anyway, for some overpriced reason as the Air Force ordered it done and now it will be torn down, as there is doubt the Afghans would have enough money to maintain or the technical capacity to operate the building if it were gifted to them. The investigation is also charged to find out if a “replacement building” was ordered built after the first was originally cancelled.  Continue reading

PETA wants 5-foot tall chicken statue erected at site of tragic crash

Two weeks ago a speeding truck lost control while driving around a corner and overturned, dumping thousands of chickens, bound for a Foster Farms processing plant in Southwest Washington, onto a car dealership. A large number of the chickens died at the scene, tumbling across new cars, and PETA, ever known for reasonable requests, now wants a 250 pound statue of a bloody chicken erected on the site. With little or no consideration of the wishes of the innocent car lot, PETA sent a letter to the city of Salem containing their request. The statue “would serve as a reminder to truck drivers to take extra precautions with live animals on board. PETA also said it would be a reminder to people in Salem that chickens are ‘among the most abused animals on the planet.'” As humanitarian as it is to be concerned for chickens dying in an accident, shouldn’t PETA concentrate on the fact these chickens were dead birds clucking anyway? While their lives were cut short by several hours, is it necessary to erect a statue? Why not a feathered cross? Or a plaque?

This reporter gave much thought about PETA’s request and reached the conclusion that action must be taken to ensure this never happens again. Those chickens were food. Continue reading