Swiss ban sales of ski lifts to North Korea, Kim Jong-Un stamps his foot

The Swiss government has declared that ski lifts qualify as luxury items and therefore are banned by U.N. sanctions. Kim Jong-Un wished to acquire the lifts to add to a posh resort meant for all four of the people in entire poverty stricken country who are allowed to enjoy fancy things like skiing, yachts, cars, education, food, and clean water. The other 23 million can pound rocks, and apparently make soup out of them. The United Nations, in typical “do something that amounts to nothing” fashion passed a sanction in 2006 banning the sale of fancy goods to the standoffish nation. However, it didn’t bother so say what those items might actually be, leaving it up to each nation to make that decision. (Which is why the U.S. sends them nothing as House Republicans declared any form of help entitlements and thereby making them a luxury.)The pint sized dictator of doom swore Continue reading

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The flocking dead- Moscow reports “zombie pigeons” invading the city

In a story that couldn’t be more perfect for this author, reports of pigeons with “zombie-like” behavior are flooding out of Moscow. Understandably, all of TNRNB’s covert carrier pigeons are grounded in that country so our access to janitorial moles are severely limited. This is a developing story, at least for those of us who depend on 1912 technology. We really must boost revenues around here. Reports gained by reading what everyone else has already written say Continue reading

Exclusive footage of the Al-Qaeda communications that sparked the Great Embassy Closings of 2013

As you are probably aware by now, the US government agents that are responsible for spying on people who actually aren’t American citizens (yes, it appears those agents do, in fact, exist) discovered that Al-Qaida was plotting…. something. No one is sure what they were plotting, where it would happen (other than most likely not in the US, hence the heightened tension in the US), or when, not to mention how, why, who, or even if it was more than bored Al-Qaeda types being bored Al-Qaeda types. Your reporter staged his own covert operation to wiretap terror leaders in order to find out what was really said, being skeptical that this was just being staged to make Benghazi look legitimate. The operation was not simple. Al-Qaeda has cutting edge technology that was thought to be “untappable” until this reporter came along. I know what you’re thinking, “where was HE during Watergate and how much would Bezos have been charged for The Washington Post is HE had been there then.” Sorry dedicated reader(s), there is only one of me, and no one really seems interested in employing such a star power-like figure. And by that I mean, no one. At all. Ever. Before we transcribe what was heard, TNRNB would like to show you an exclusive image of the two leaders utilizing the now tappable equipment. Continue reading

Facebook refuses U.N. records request- it’s a pirate’s life for me

Edward Snowden may have claimed the social networks caved in to NSA pressure for spy material on U.S. citizens, but it stood its ground against the United Nations request for information regarding suspected Somali pirates. While the U.N. says pirates use a variety of means to coordinate activity, real pirates say they don’t use social media “for business” as it greatly increases the likelihood of getting caught. According to NBC, “there are more personal accounts than general ones for the pirates,” said Bile Hussein, a Somali pirate commander in Gracad, a pirate base in central Somalia by phone. “We use emails for deals.” Of course they use email, after all who would suspect CaptSparrow@imapirate.com (not a real email address, however, should it work I have no connection, matey. Nor do I own a parrot) could really be a pirate. So it appears that, while Twitter makes it easier to bust bullies, Facebook is standing its cyber-ground on who can use or can’t use the platform. And why shouldn’t they? It’s not like the U.N. can do much about it, they don’t even have subpoena ability.  Continue reading

Actually updated: Royal Baby born- a shameless post to drive up search engine hits

The royal birth canal has finally been outwardly breached and Duchess Kate has given birth to an 8 pound 6 ounce prince of an empire that pales in comparison to the old “sun never sets on the British Empire” days. Earlier in the days bookies had had odds on the name being Alexandra, should the tyke be female. The Windsor family now has hopes that the boy is more of an Alexander as in “the Great” and can bring in some new real estate in the ever shrinking, always expansionist thinking kingdom.

The royal baby shows how far an umbilical cord stretches in many ways, as the United States, barely two and a half weeks from its own 237th year of freedom from British rule, has been on the edge of its collective seat waiting for word from the mother land that all would be well with the royal line. Not that they do much anyway do they? The royal wave? Maybe the new heir can learn to wave early, as a tiny baby, hence the royal micro-wave. More as this story develops.

Update:

The baby was delivered by a team that included the Queen’s former gynecologist, and her current gynecologist. Yes, you heard that right, someone still has to take a peek every so often at the Queen’s 87 year old bits just to make sure they are still there. That just might be one of the most dangerous jobs in the world. Just one ill-timed cringe or gag and it’s “off with his head.” My deepest sympathy to this man. You are a hero. The baby is healthy and mother and newborn human that will have any clue what real life is like and probably will believe that anything Lewis Carroll was a documentary. Now life in a palace can be tough, they are drafty I hear, it would be easy to get lost in a 12 million square foot guesthouse, and who knows how long room service takes to get there. This reporter is betting it was much faster in the good old (or is it olde?) days when servants could be flogged.

We here at The Not Really News Blog which the new little imperialist the best life can offer. He deserves it. That poor kid has already been media stalked more than any American since Edward Snowden. A truly private life is something we common dirt scratchers take for granted. Stay strong readers, we’ll never have half the worries this poor child already has.

North Korean ship carrying hidden ‘missile equipment’ detained after leaving Cuba

The world is stunned as a ship was stopped in the Panama Canal on suspicion of carrying drugs, only to yield weapons of crass destruction hidden inside containers of brown sugar. The North Korean cargo ship Chong Chon Gang (yes that’s its real name) was detained After officials boarded it for inspection on Monday. Officials have said the captain had to be restrained as he attempted to commit suicide on the instant that the hidden cargo was found. An anonymous intern at KTVU- San Francisco verified that the ship’s captain’s name was Mi Haf Bang and was a general cargo ship owned by the Chongchongang Shipping Co. This reporter finds it suspicious that the ship’s name and parent company are the same but he would never question the fact checking of such an esteemed media outlet.

While it is unclear what the exact intention of the shipment was, it was clearly a surface-to-air missile system that would qualify for antique license plates in the US. Some defense analysts doubt the system could even function which spawned the theory that it may be headed for an overhaul at one of North Korea’s state-of-the-art (I can’t even type that with a straight face) facilities, complete with Model A ford transport capability. Under this hypothesis, the sugar could have been payment for the work being done, and Model A’s don’t come cheap. After a thorough refurbishing, the system would have been shipped back, undoubtedly hidden in a cargo of old Elvis Presley LPs. The second hypothesis is that North Korea was shopping for more weapons that would blend in with their present systems that were designed with Tutti Frutti playing in the background.

All 35 members of the ship’s crew are being held and the cargo violates at least 3 U.N. sanctions. Such violations will most likely anger the U.N. Councilmembers and spark a “We really mean it this time™” rebuke. Honestly reader(s), this reporter has his doubts that the U.N. will act at all. North Korea has stirred unrest on the Korean Peninsula through multiple missile tests, posturing, name calling, and covert unleashing of PSY on the Western World under the guise of him being South Korean. The medical bills your tireless newshound incurred during the last 365 days (Happy anniversary by the way)of Gangnam Style is a war crime in itself. Let us all hope that council surprises us with some sanctions. Like banning those haircuts the Korean dictators all favor, those are just creepy. Stay strong faithful reader(s), those in power will keep us safe and we shall never have to worry about a third world country under the sway of a crazy dictator bringing weapons into the Western Hemisphere.

Apple investigating death of woman allegedly electrocuted by her iPhone 5

In a shocking story, a Chinese woman, Ma Ailun, 23, has been reportedly electrocuted by answering her charging iPhone 5. Apple is investigation the charge, which appears to have some validity. The tech giant has had a rough time in the Chinese market, battling warranty issues and workers killing themselves. The only way things could get any worse is if AT&T branched out into the country. All those dropped calls and WiFi slowdowns might be enough to start riots in the volatile country. An attempt to reach Apple’s highest ranking official in the country resulted in our carrier pigeon being shot down forcing The Not Really News Blog to resort to less secure means of communication. However, attempts to reach the official by phone fractured due to dropped calls on our end (damn you AT&T). We have sent them a letter via USPS, expect a follow up story in March. Ma was a flight attendant who was engaged to be married next month.

An Apple spokesman was reached in the US. “We are deeply saddened to learn of this tragic incident and offer our condolences to the Ma family,” Apple told Reuters in an email. “We will fully investigate and cooperate with authorities in this matter.”

A carrier pigeon was able to penetrate Apple’s US headquarters to reach a TNRNB source who of course has no authorization to say or do anything fun so will remain anonymous, “Apple is really startled by this development. The workers dying left and right are bad enough, we can’t afford for customers to jump on the bandwagon too. The board of directors are scrambling to find out why the iPhone 5 battery has so many dramatic side effects. We knew about the intense heat and fires, but electrocution might be a deal breaker.”

Another possibility is that the phone was a fake to begin with. Knock-offs are a major industry in China selling both inside and beyond its borders. Our source states, “The chances of this being a knock off are tremendous. The shops are astoundingly good over there. It’s not uncommon for us to submit a few months payroll to some of them before realizing they don’t even work for us.”

In other news, the Android market has risen slightly, reflecting the lightning-fast effects of the media on today’s consumers. This story will be updated as more information comes in. Please check back four or five times an hour just to be safe, we wouldn’t want you to miss anything.

Cow falls through roof, kills sleeping man

In world news, tragedy struck in a very unexpected way in South America, a sleeping Brazilian man was struck and killed by a falling cow. Yes, a FALLING cow. Struck him. In his sleep. Killing him dead. This reporter is shaken by this turn of events where food goes on the offensive. Initial reports stated the cow may have botched a landing by coming in too low after jumping over the moon, further investigation revealed that the cow was a fugitive, having escaped from a nearby farm. The house of the sleeping man was backed against a hill, giving the cow access to the corrugated and asbestos roof. The 3,000-pound dairy delinquent was too much for the roof and it plummeted through, landing on the man who was sleeping in bed with his wife. The victim’s mother, Maria de Souza, said “I didn’t bring my son up to be killed by a falling cow. He nearly died when he was two and got meningitis, but I worked hard to buy medicines for him and he survived. And now he’s lying in his bed and gets crushed to death by a cow. There’s no justice in the world.” Our heart goes out to Senora de Souza who is clearly not of Hindu persuasion and probably won’t be converting any time soon. More information can be found by clicking here.

When pre-processed food becomes a killer it shakes the very bones of the food chain, causing cries throughout the land(s) for investigation. “How can this happen?” they cry. Whoever “they” are. Well faithful reader(s), your tireless reporter fired off a few carrier pigeons to Brazil to get some answers. Hopefully, with this information, we can put down this bovine rebellion before McDonalds has to remove the dollar menu. Brazilian tribal dignitary Pablo Pedro Jesus de Espana De Martinez el Bautista a la Mode responded that Brazil only has itself to blame for deaths like these. “The War on Pubic Hair© has strained all of Brazil’s resources. We can’t afford to build new fences, or repair old ones. Everyone spends their income in the beauty shops. No one wants to be ‘that person’ who gets caught sporting a pube. It’s a national obsession that is spanning the globe, although certain procedures can lead to saving a fortune on toilet paper.”

So there you have it. The real reason there is no way to have beauty and food at the same time. For the sake of the human race I hope we can balance these two powers before someone is attacked by really dangerous food. Like a squash or a corn plant. Or a legume, whatever that is. Stay strong reader(s) and get your food before it gets you.