Scientists announce discovery of slipperiest substance known to man

Researchers from the University of Nowhere You’ve Ever Heard Of have announced they have broken the recorded, previously held by hagfish, for the slipperiest substance known. The paper, published in this week’s edition of The Banana Peel- a non-peer reviewed journal usually read by apes and men in the waiting rooms of gynecologists- stated that their discovery will revolutionize several industries and make the discovers very rich. Scientists had been aware of the existence of the slippery stuff prior to the paper but had never been able to get a record of it to stand up to the scrutiny level of the slippery substance community which is known as a level Simga-3.23145767552 or “Holy Shit, that’s close.” Continue reading

Ask Dr. Steve- because it’s cheaper 9/6/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

I recently answered an online ad for a photographer that needed a model. I’d never done nude modeling before and it was quite a shock. After he unchained me, removed all those clamps and the hood, he said he would let me know when the proofs are ready. Today my Dad asks me if I’d sold some pics to porn sites. I’m horrified. I can’t even begin to express the outrage burning through me right now. I guess you can’t trust people anymore. I’m totally creeped out my dad surfs porn. I’m 21 and moving out now, I just can’t be around him. How do you recommend I handle this? I don’t know where to begin.

Signed,

My Dad is a perv  Continue reading

Reviews are rolling in for “Running Naked With Pheasants”

As TNRNB reader(s) are well aware, this reporter HATES to use The Blog for self-promotion of any kind, but since the sampler of my future work of literary genius was released this morning, the reviews have been pouring in (my head). I felt it was only right to share some these reviews with the people who make this site such a stark raving success and a leader amongst quickly written posts that go largely ignored. Not just anyone can say that folks. I’ve trimmed the list to spare bandwidth as the reviews are numerous and, at times, lengthy. Read on faithful followers and bask in our shared dominance of all things pheasant.  Continue reading

Exclusive: A sneak peek at my forthcoming book “Running Naked With Pheasants”

Today we have a special column just for the devoted reader(s) of The Not Really News Blog, a summarized sneak peak of the book of the century. A book nearly 40 years in the making, my return to the place of my childhood, all chronicled and ready for release some time before I die, I give you “Running Naked With Pheasants.”  Continue reading

Health – never date an angry midget (dictator)

North Korea has reportedly executed Kim Jong-Un’s ex-girlfriend, by firing squad no less. No one ever said dating the creepy dictator of a third (going on fourth) world country was easy, but the staff here at The Blog finds this to border on the extreme. After some reflecting, we felt that it may be necessary to cover a few dating tips to avoid things like this happening to any of our faithful (or even unfaithful, cheating, sneaking around on us) readers. It’s a rough world out there and no one knows that better than those of us considered leaders of the media. We see and hear things that would send the toughest Boy Scout to a corner, cringing and drooling. We believe that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of… of… of something Continue reading

Editorial: Reflections of loyalty on a holiday weekend

As the final weekend of summer coincides with renewed military activity in a new chunk of Middle Eastern turf, it brings about thoughts of loyalties and allegiances in life. Here at TNRNB headquarters, we believe in the basic inalienable rights; life, liberty, coffee, and the pursuit of bacon. We also realize that this great country of ours makes it possible to do that through a little used document once known as the Constitution and it’s little buddy/ conjoined twin the Bill of Rights. We are also aware that other countries are not as fortunate as we are to have this often Continue reading

Ask Dr. Steve- because no one else listens to you 8/29/13

Dear Most Highly Regarded Dr. Steve,

I’ve lost…. “The Funny”… Nothing is funny to me anymore…. What can I do!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Signed,

An unidentifiable person

Dear Ervin,  Continue reading

Soccer team offers up animal sacrifice- wins match

In world sporting news today, it has been noted that a soccer team has sacrificed a sheep prior to its winning match against Celtic. Shakhter Karagandy, a team from Kazakhstan, offered up the sheep at Astana Arena, freshly built for the team. The governing body, UEFA or the Union of European Football Associations, has said the team will face sanctions if it happens again. In response, “Shakhter coach Viktor Kumykov suggested the ritual could be repeated.” Surely this 15th century type of behavior in sports must have died out after the second Major League movie, but it appears that some pockets of resistance remain. Even more shocking is the choice of animal, sheep are nearly sacred in the world of soccer (or football as the rest of planet outside of the United States calls it). Other soccer clubs are livid about this development. Premier British soccer team Continue reading

Breaking News: Movie to made about your favorite reporter/editor’s life

In a movie release that is sure to finally bridge the gap between man, pheasant, and news reporting once and for all, “Of Birds and Men” will be released on Thanksgiving 2013. The script has been based on the real life story of Steve Kallio was raised by a flock of benevolent ring-necked pheasants in the wild lands of south-west Washington state. It will chronicle his meteoric rise from statue squatter to media mogul. It is inspiring to all who meet him to learn how he overcame such bizarre childhood circumstances to develop an almost cult-like following in which people seem to flock to him from all corners of the world. The movie will be an unauthorized autobiography Continue reading

NSA caught spying on CIA, FBI- Obama demands J. Edgar Hoover take helm

In yet another potential spying failure, the NSA has been caught peeking in on the actions of the other major United States intelligence agencies. Since the Patriot Act, the NSA has enjoyed nearly unfettered freedom to keep tabs on everyone from potential terrorists to political dissidents and from the United Nations to the Associate Press, and, of course, Verizon Wireless users. This latest scandal has prompted Mr. Obama to immediately hold a press conference, giving himself mere weeks to prepare a speech for it, and nominate J. Edgar Hoover as Supreme Intelligence Overlord, Head of Vacuum Cleaner Sales, and Prince of Keeping People Confused About Your Sexuality. Continue reading

Breaking news: Humor blogs are actually supposed to be funny- Customer appreciation post

Here at TNRNB, we strive to bring you the most cutting edge and honest reporting to be found anywhere on the Internet. We also try to do it in a way that brings a smile to the face of our reader(s) because, well, it drives up the word count faster so we can get back to the really important things, like Candy Crush (note: this reporter does not play Candy Crush or any other Facebook spawned games- although that Jurassic Park one is weakening my resolve). Over the weekend, our staff took time to look deeply into the direction our posts were taking (okay, I went Continue reading

Ask Dr. Steve- advice you’ll wish you’d never gotten 8/23/13

Dear Dr. Steve,

I’m a sophomore in college and really need to settle on a major. My parents have said they are only paying for four years so I need to make it count. I think I should just get a general education degree and use it as a platform to jump into whatever I want to do once I graduate. I hear they are very universal. What do you think? Continue reading

Nasdaq suspends trading for technical glitch

In an instance that is sure to cause some heads to be scratched, the index that carries the stocks of tech giants such as Apple, Microsoft, Ebay, Yahoo, and more recently Facebook had to shut down over technology problems. This reporter would like to think it is directly connected to this morning’s announcement that the New York Times had purchased The Not Really News Blog, but the two of you that read it are probably not to blame. While exactly what is going on is uncertain, we here at The Blog are relatively sure that the general public is still being efficiently screwed. This reporter knows of no means, legal or otherwise, that would keep the exchanges from royally sticking it to the common man. So don’t Continue reading

The Not Really News Blog sold to New York Times for record-breaking price

In what is sure to be a shock to everyone who reads it, TNRNB has agreed to sell the entire to blog to the New York Times, as a front-page blog no less, for a record-breaking sum. Calling the acquisition the “most unbiased, hard-hitting, and accurate reporting since the invention of the dart board,” NYT proudly linked to their new property in bold, 14-point font. The Not Really News Blog has crushed the competition lately with stories ranging from the wiretapping of Al-Qaeda to yesterday’s slamming of North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un over ski lifts. With the rapid decline of print news, it is no surprise that NYT went out and made this acquisition, “it gave us another reader,” according to an unnamed source deep within NYT headquarters. While the sales price hasn’t been officially announced, it is understood to be a record, reportedly rounding out at Continue reading

Bradley Manning sentenced to prison until he hits puberty (or 35 years but who’s counting?)

In a partial message sent out to all who leak what’s left of United States government’s classified material, Bradley Manning has been sentenced to puberty. Well, he’s locked up until he can at least sprout facial hair convincingly. This reporter is fairly happy to have never earned such a sentence. Prosecutors were hoping to send a full message with a sentence between 60 and 90 years but, after redundant charges were dropped and the whole “aiding foreign jerks who probably already have the information anyway” charge was dropped Manning could walk out of jail in as little as ten years. If he stops Continue reading