Nasdaq suspends trading for technical glitch

In an instance that is sure to cause some heads to be scratched, the index that carries the stocks of tech giants such as Apple, Microsoft, Ebay, Yahoo, and more recently Facebook had to shut down over technology problems. This reporter would like to think it is directly connected to this morning’s announcement that the New York Times had purchased The Not Really News Blog, but the two of you that read it are probably not to blame. While exactly what is going on is uncertain, we here at The Blog are relatively sure that the general public is still being efficiently screwed. This reporter knows of no means, legal or otherwise, that would keep the exchanges from royally sticking it to the common man. So don’t Continue reading

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Apple investigating death of woman allegedly electrocuted by her iPhone 5

In a shocking story, a Chinese woman, Ma Ailun, 23, has been reportedly electrocuted by answering her charging iPhone 5. Apple is investigation the charge, which appears to have some validity. The tech giant has had a rough time in the Chinese market, battling warranty issues and workers killing themselves. The only way things could get any worse is if AT&T branched out into the country. All those dropped calls and WiFi slowdowns might be enough to start riots in the volatile country. An attempt to reach Apple’s highest ranking official in the country resulted in our carrier pigeon being shot down forcing The Not Really News Blog to resort to less secure means of communication. However, attempts to reach the official by phone fractured due to dropped calls on our end (damn you AT&T). We have sent them a letter via USPS, expect a follow up story in March. Ma was a flight attendant who was engaged to be married next month.

An Apple spokesman was reached in the US. “We are deeply saddened to learn of this tragic incident and offer our condolences to the Ma family,” Apple told Reuters in an email. “We will fully investigate and cooperate with authorities in this matter.”

A carrier pigeon was able to penetrate Apple’s US headquarters to reach a TNRNB source who of course has no authorization to say or do anything fun so will remain anonymous, “Apple is really startled by this development. The workers dying left and right are bad enough, we can’t afford for customers to jump on the bandwagon too. The board of directors are scrambling to find out why the iPhone 5 battery has so many dramatic side effects. We knew about the intense heat and fires, but electrocution might be a deal breaker.”

Another possibility is that the phone was a fake to begin with. Knock-offs are a major industry in China selling both inside and beyond its borders. Our source states, “The chances of this being a knock off are tremendous. The shops are astoundingly good over there. It’s not uncommon for us to submit a few months payroll to some of them before realizing they don’t even work for us.”

In other news, the Android market has risen slightly, reflecting the lightning-fast effects of the media on today’s consumers. This story will be updated as more information comes in. Please check back four or five times an hour just to be safe, we wouldn’t want you to miss anything.